Primer - 2004

Sweet Hard SF movie about time travel explored through experiment by two dudes in a garage. Awesome.

Schrodinger's Girl - 2008

If you've seen the trailer, then you know as much as I do. Indie Sci Fi British possible apocalypse regarding altered wave-forms and, presumably, electron values. Could this be hard SF? Maybe. Hard to tell from the trailer, but there's so little hard SF in film that it's worthwhile to check it out when it pops up. Cheers.

The Spirit-2009 (Teaser)

It seems a lot of people are hatin' on this one minute of footage from Frank Miller's adaptation of Will Eisner's comic. Granted, it does look exactly like Sin City... but how can you tell if a movie's gonna be good or bad based on a guy running across rooftops for 60 sec.?

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Wild Zero-2000

The best godamn motherfucking rock and roll japanese zombie movie ever made! EVER!

*BONUS*
---All THROUGH THE NIGHT BUTTOBASE! MUSIC VIDEO----------

Zombie Strippers-2008

So, somebody finally decided to do a remake of From Dusk Till Dawn. I was beginning to worry that no one in heaven had heard my prayers...

My Name is Bruce-2008

The man, the legend, the chin...

Hercules 2 The Adventures of Hercules-1985

This movie came out on DVD 3 years ago. I highly suggest you watch it back to back with Clash of the Titans while jerking off and listening to Daft Punk. Your senses will be heightened beyond all things living and dead.

Mannequin-1987

All my boyhood fantasies involved me making out with a mannequin while all the other boys were dreaming of hot blondes in bikinis...*sigh*

The Guardian - 1990

Could it be? William Friedkin's finest movie (better than the Exorcist even)? Yes, yes it is. This movie has everything; Druids, babies, tree fucking, man fucking, mystery wolves... Everything. Except zombies or vampires or anything really more supernatural than Druids. But it rules, I swear it does.

Kung Fu Kid-2008

Just one step closer the future envisioned in Clockwork Orange. I've considered buying a shotgun in my older years; incase any young havocs decide to " Kung Fu" their way into my studio and try to rob me. I'll be waiting brats.

Blindness-2008

From the director of City of God and Constant Gardener. Apparently the book by Jose Saramago is amazing and so is the sequel...Seeing.

Tokyo Gore Police-2008

I'm back! Let's see.....where shall I begin? How about we take a little trip to Tokyo? This is 4 mins. of footage from the documentary Tokyo Gore Police. All this is going on in Tokyo right now...no shit.

Pete's Dragon - 1977

This is the story of a late-stage schizophrenic and his autistic dragon friend. Yes, I fucking loved this as a child. I still do. It's empirical evidence that Disney movies were once both well-done and on the side of actual children.

Carts of Darkness - 2007

Dude. It's a documentary about a guy who rolls down hills with a shopping cart, and every main character is incapacitated by injury, jail or death. This might be the ballsiest doc of all time.

The Return of the King (1980)

Behold! The conclusion of J.R.R. Tolkien's immortal masterpiece, THE LORD OF THE RINGS. Witness the gleaming brand of Andruil proudly lofted by Aragorn, son of Arathorn, the Elessar and heir of Isildur final king of Gondor! Behold Gandalf Stormcrow, Mithrandir to elves, Tharkin to Dwarves, the ring Narya upon his finger, last of the Maiar of Valinor on Middle-Earth! The wonders are endless...



LOLOLOL it's a trap! That was the first 9:10 of the Rankin/Bass 'adaption'. If you thought Peter Jackson butchered the books, just listen to Glenn Yarborough's hilarious minstrel show. Bilbo looks like my Great Aunt, and someone swapped out Elrond with an Amish peacock. Leave it to the 1970's to suck the nobility out of even the most glorious tale.

Comparison time. Eowyn's epic showdown with the Witch-King of Angmar in all three versions.

Rankin/Bass:



PROS: Tolkien's excellent dialogue is reproduced in full

CONS: Casey Kasem with a vocoder as the Witch-King's voice.
----
Peter Jackson:



PROS: The Witch-King's righteous morning star. Eowyn is pretty hot.

CONS: Eowyn's girlish scream
----
J.R.R. Tolkien:

"Still she did not blench: maiden of the Rohirrim, child of kings, slender but as a steel-blade, fair yet terrible. A swift stroke she dealt, skilled and deadly. The outstretched neck she clove asunder, and the hewn head fell like a stone. Backward she sprang as the huge shape crashed to ruin, vast wings outspread, crumpled on the earth; and with its fall the shadow passed away. A light fell about her, and her hair shone in the sunrise.

Out of the wreck rose the Black Rider, tall and threatening, towering above her. With a cry of hatred that stung the very ears like venom he let fall his mace. Her shield was shivered in many pieces, and her arm was broken; she stumbled to her knees. he bent over her like a cloud, and his eyes glittered; he raised his mace to kill.

But suddenly he too stumbled forward with a cry of bitter pain, and his stroke went wide, driving into the ground. Merry's sword had stabbed him from behind, shearing through the black mantle, and passing up beneath the hauberk had pierced the sinew behind his mighty knee.

'Eowyn! Eowyn!' cried Merry. Then tottering, struggling up, with her last strength she drove her sword between crown and mantle, as the great shoulders bowed before her. The sword broke sparkling into many shards. The crown rolled away with a clang. Eowyn fell forward upon her fallen foe. But lo! the mantle and hauberk were empty. Shapeless they lay now on the ground, torn and tumbled; and a cry went up into the shuddering air, and faded to a shrill wailing, passing with the wind, a voice bodiless and thin that died, and was swallowed up, and was never heard again in that age of this world.

PROS: everything

CONS: nothing

WINNER: The original book, go read it you lazy teenagers!

Uwe Boll Maxi Post!

I've been looking for a reason to post trailers for Uwe Boll movies here en masse, knowing that I'd be shown the way when the time was right. Well, that time has come. Behold, Uwe Boll and his masterpieces!



Bloodrayne - 2005

What the fuck is Ben Kingsley doing in this movie?!



House of the Dead - 2003

For totally cereal, this thing was greenlit, shot, edited and released with a distributor. Not since Cannon films has such a thing occurred to as great dismay.



In the Name of the King - 2007

Tyranny? Yes! Black magic? Yes! Jason Statham? Yes yes yes! I can actually feel Uwe jerking off into my brain!

Before the Storm - 2000

I saw this movie in Vancouver when it premiered at the VIFF many years ago. It's one of the most stressful movies I've ever seen. It's two stories, one about an Arab immigrant who left his life in Iran behind to pursue one with a future in Sweden who's being blackmailed by old terrorist contacts who will kill his Iranian wife and child if he doesn't set off a bomb for them. The other story is about a boy that gets bullied until he's pushed too far and then kills another student in the woods with his police officer mother's gun. There are no happy endings in this film, and every decision is wrought with circumstances that seem insurmountable by our protagonists. If you can find it, watch it.

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-a-Rama - 1988

This movie pretty much rules. I mean, you've got sorority babes, genies, nerds, slimeballs, and bowling. What else is there? In life?

What Is It? - 2005

Now we can have a party.

Phantasm Ultra Post {Phantasm I, II, III} - 1979, 1988, 1994

Ah yes, Phantasm. One of the finest series of bad horror films ever created and, from what I can tell, the sole financier of Angus Scrimm and Reggie Bannister. Here are the trailers for the first three, though in total there are five films. Of these, I'm not sure if the first or the third is my favorite. The first is the most well-made and features graveyard sex, supernatural sex change, an ice cream vendor/folk guitarist who closes a portal with his tuning fork knowledge and, of course, tiny undead monsters. However, it commits the sin of having actually blown up a then-new hemicuda. Seriously. They blew a whole car up. The third one involves an orphan with a killer instinct, black lesbian ninjas, a four-barrelled shotgun, an ethereal other-world and gives our original protagonist, Jodie, super-powers. That's pretty awesome. You'll have to make your own decision, but I urge you to find out. If you want to check out part IV, you'll get to see boobs that turn into killer silver balls.

Night of the Living Dorks - 2004

Okay, so, guess who couldn't find a trailer in English? Oh, yeah, me. But to be fair, I didn't try very hard at all to find one. Anyway, this movie is about three guys who accidentally get voodooed into persons who can't die, then die, then become re-animated and go to high school. It's pretty self-explanatory - particularly if you speak German - but it's three-twenty in the am and I don't feel like seeking out an NTSC friendly version, so this is what you get. Still, pretty great.