POSTED: SWAMPCOX (in your mouth) IS NO LONGER A TRAILER BLOG. IT IS NOW A SHORT FILM / ARTISTIC COMMERCIAL / CELEBRITY WORK OUT VIDEO BLOG.
-New Management
Linnea Quigley is best known as one of history's finest B movie scream queens, most famously as the strip-teasing Trash in Return of the Living Dead. But that's not all she does. She's also qualified to teach you how to keep yourself in shape! The above clip is from her 1990 workout video, which presumably can only be found in the VHS bin at your local thrift store, which is a real shame, because I bet if this thing can be found in its entirety it's totally awesome.
A few titles from Quigley's nearly 100 roles:
Don't Go Near The Park Silent Night Deadly Night Nudes in Limbo Treasure of the Moon Goddess Sorority Babes at the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama Beach Babes From Beyond Assault of the Party Nerds 2: The Heavy Petting Detective (With Rhonda Shear and Burt Ward!)
I caught the second half of this movie in the background while playing a bad online game where you blow up space pirates. At first I thought it might be some third installment of the On Golden Pond franchise, but soon discovered that it's actually a tightly wound thriller about wrongful death and revenge in a small town, which is pretty cool. And the last ten minutes are pretty creep-tastic, in a silent meditate-on-your-horrific-act kind of way. All I could find was this French trailer, but only the title slates are actually foreign.
Okay, okay, it opens with Meryl Streep dressed as an angry nun. But this thing spirals so quickly out of control that it's impossible not to want to see either a hilarious wreck or a really amazing film. Most likely the latter, but the dutch angle, little jokes and cello-heavy Howard Shore score make the first totally possible. Anyway, I'll be seeing it.
This is my present to all of you. The title of this movie is not really Merry Christmas You Fuckbag, but I wish it was. And, as it was untitled, I've decided that's what I will call it. I'm not really sure what Rare Exports does, but I'll be finding out shortly. Oh, and for those familiar with the caveman vampire hunter painting from the Late Night Lounge 2008? I changed my mind. I think they were these guys.
I've never seen this movie, but I'll wager it's very enjoyable if you focus entirely on the mercenary lust for power burning like a thousand flaming spires in Arnold's eyes.
Here's a campaign commercial for his Governor campaign. The same look is there, now smoldering between the two reptilian slits of his eyelids.
Let's Take California Back (2003)
Finally, the real Arnold, the man we fell in love with during our idyllic ultraviolence-saturated childhoods.
Arnold in Brazil (1979 or something)
The power hungry lust is already present in young Arnold, it's just, well, more lusty.
Forget the fact that this movie probably rules and that you've never heard of it despite the fact that it features Roy Scheider and was directed by William Friedkin. Forget that this trailer means there's an entire narrative version floating out in the world somewhere. Forget the killer seventies trailer throaty dub voice, and just bask in the truly brilliant construction of this thing. A series of completely unconnected images, most featuring guns or explosions, underneath a soundtrack that can only be the synth baby of John Carpenter and Goblin, while providing absolutely no information about the plot of the film at all. I could probably watch this shit all day. Now THAT's how you make a fucking trailer!
PS: Apparently it's also a remake of Clouzot's Wages of Fear.
And now for something completely awesome. This asshole gets too drunk, passes out and ends up in a coma, then decides to murder all the people that didn't help using metempsychosis? Yes, I will watch that movie. Probably twice.
Sometimes you see something that makes you question the direction society has traveled. But sometimes those same things make you ask the question, 'What the fuck haven't I seen this movie?!' This trailer will elicit both. So go rent this movie, put some chestnuts on your open fire, maybe listen to side A of your Merry Crassmas 7 inch and prepare to have your mind blown.
Who be these scurvy dogs, you ask? Well, I'll tell you. They're not actors. Not in the traditional sense, anyway. These are LARPers - Live Action Role Players, for those who've never ventured far enough into the kingdom of RPGs to know that already - engaged in a brutal telling of a story that probably began at a tabletop somewhere, with many dice and smudged pencils detailing character abilities. At some point, they decided to take it to the next level, running about in costume on an elaborate set, fighting with fake swords and pistols and casting spells that might later be rotoscoped into reality. And now? Now there's this.
Dear serial killers, there still has yet to be a special unit within the police department that deals with rouge robots that kill humans. Jus sayin'. Have fun now before it's too late.
All you need to know Thomas Kincaid is the following:
"In 2006 John Dandois, Media Arts Group executive, recounted a story that on one occasion ("about six years ago") Kinkade became drunk at a Siegfried and Roy magic show in Las Vegas and began shouting "Codpiece! Codpiece!" at the performers. Eventually he was calmed by his mother. Dandois also said of Kinkade, "Thom would be fine, he would be drinking, and then all of a sudden, you couldn't tell where the boundary was, and then he became very incoherent, and he would start cussing and doing a lot of weird stuff."
I'm usually suspicious of movies that are made with 'cult-status' in mind. Often they try too hard and produce too little. Bubba Ho-Tep is a rare exception for three reasons: 1) Bruce Campbell. 2) Ossie Davis. 3) The characters have souls.
Amazingly, the producers remembered that good writing is an excellent way to compensate for a lack of budget, something that most 'b' movies these days gleefully ignore. Although I believe it's actually adapted from a short story... so yeah, modern screenwriters still suck balls.
Well, there doesn't seem to be a trailer for this god-awful piece of shit, but there is a section of the Rock Biter (who has an accent somewhere between Brooklyn plumber and a Russian immigrant) and his son, Junior, the most annoying baby since the Dinosaur's Not The Mama spouting infant riding to the mountains while the adult Rock Biter sings Steppenwolf's Born to Be Wild. Seriously.
Yeah. Most of this movie doesn't even take place in Fantasia. Jack Black (yes, THAT Jack Black) is the leader of a gang called the Nasties who steal the Neverending Story book and somehow use their imaginations to cause everyone in Fantasia to start being nasty to each other. So Bastien is employed by the Empress to take the Orrin into the human world and get the book back. For some reason several characters from Fantasia (all of them Jar Jar Binks levels of annoying) are also transported and must be recollected from around the US before the Nasties can be stopped. It gets more convoluted when Bastien's new step sister steals the Orrin, uses it to shop - provoking a line of such absolute ridiculousness from the Empress, who is watching it all through what I assume is an interoceter that I almost pissed myself laughing - and loses it to the Nasties, who can now alter reality in the human realm of existence? What? Anyway, everything almost goes completely bad but in the end the fear of life in a broken home heals the world.
Fuck 'Solaris,' this is the real Soviet riposte to '2001: A Space Odyssey.' Similar to Jerzy Kosinski's The Painted Bird, the movie tracks an innocent boy through the hellish wasteland of Nazi occupied U.S.S.R.(specifically Belarus). Unfolding like a droning feedback loop, the brutality slowly builds until reaching an apex of all-devouring cruelty. Perhaps the most realistic war movie ever made, not only for its grim portrayal of Nazi atrocities, but also for the heavily symbolic dream narrative that lies underneath. The most precise war stories often bear the least resemblance to reality as we know it.
This is a serious movie about two people who pollute a beach and shoot stuff and are subsequently murdered by nature. It should be called the Happening part 2, but that movie sucked so hard any sequel would surely be lit on fire and shoved into Night's rectal cavity until he promised never to make another movie.
This sweet Italian flick about people disarming bombs, presumably in Iraq, looks pretty intense even though I'm pretty sure there's only an Italian release (hence the all-Italian dialogue and titles). Still about Americans though. USA!
I don't know what the YouTube deal is with videos stopping after only a few seconds. Maybe it's the entire awesome of SwampCox uploading their best material. Maybe it's the fact that I had sex with the wife of the owner. Maybe it's because DreDay, Starbreaker, Ghost Dog and I are, combined, too much for any single server to handle. In any case, long live SwampCox!
And also check out my other blog, massivejobfail.blogspot.com
Holy shit, 2001? I'm as surprised as you are that those effects were allowed to get past quality control in the new millenium. Still, it's a Santo film, sort of (Hijo del Santo), and that equals awesome.
This movie about going to high school and being a badass is kind of like what Stephen Chow would make if he were more like John Hughes, until the end when things get fucking main street. Then it gets cute again, though, so everything's cool.
From master of shit-schlock Ted Nicolau comes the fourth (and not yet the last) of the Subspecies films - a quintet of Full Moon vampire tales featuring the immortal Radu, Nosferatu-like creep who kills his brother and turns a sexy Full Moon nymphette into a vampiress who then attempts to kill him many times over. Everything revolves around some kind of Bloodstone, which keeps everyone happy. Ted Nicolau is also the beautiful mind behind Dungeonmaster, AKA Ragewar. Here's the cover, to aid in your horror:
You've got a movie written by Nas and directed by Hype Williams. Sorry, did I say movie? I meant idea for a music video extrapolated into a ninety minute narrative with hip hop and flashing lights. Get drunk before you watch this, otherwise it might not make any sense.
I saw this movie again last night and it's still awesome. Some of you are thinking to yourselves right now: "But that movie was fucking stupid!" Well, you are fucking stupid, okay? Okay.
I had no idea how much I liked Hungarian cinema before I saw this. If it's any indication of what the rest of the country's films are like, then Hungary is one kick-ass place. Unfortunately, this tale of sex, death, fire-cum and self-taxidermy is probably way too far off the radar of good people to use as a litmus for the country. Seriously, starving people could just watch this five times a day. There's no way you're eating afterward.
Could Kevin Smith come back from the depths of boredom and actually present something funny - and not in that 'fucking a donkey' kind of way? This movie actually looks pretty funny, despite the fact that it's being spearheaded by a catastrophically bad decision making director.
Perhaps the finest concert film ever made, this 1981 film is comprised of live footage gathered from various venues around the world and includes everything from Klaus Nomi and Gary Neuman to the Police, X Los Angeles and Dead Kennedys. It starts off with music and never strays, giving you act after awesome act (with the exception, of course, of the reggae, which all sucks no matter who it is). Above is an excerpt, as there's no trailer per se - but I think you'll find Toyah Willcox better than any trailer could possibly convey. Eat it up mother fuckers!
Yes, Rodney Dangerfield. Yes Robert Downey Jr. Yes, Triple Lindy. Yes, this is one of the finest films made in the year 1986. Rodney Dangerfield goes back to school with his son to teach him a lesson, cheat on his English paper by hiring Kurt Vonnegut to write about himself and lay a professor while avoiding academic suspension, throwing massive parties and making fun of Robert Downey Jr's ultra lame nerd character. Oh, did I mention he pulls out the finishing sports finale by doing an impossible dive that requires three (yes, three!) diving boards? Because he does. Plus Oingo Boingo:
Sexo y violencia en mass in this giallo film about several women who are raped and killed and then avenged by their nun. Totally cereal, a nun commits the most violent acts. Totes most.
Did I mention I'm still drunk? I am. From last night.
K Gordon Murray, keepin' it real. Originally produced in 1955, K Gordo Murrster from Murrville bought it and brought it to the US ten years later to terrify children across the land. Starring nobody you've ever heard of and directed by the very same. I feel like there's probably a link between opening this movie in your local cinema and sociopathic tendencies in your town.
I caught this trailer and immediately went to Netflix to put it on my queue, discovered that it was one of the play-now movies and watched this thing while laughing hysterically. Simply put: This movie is totally awesome. It's a 1978 made-for-tv horror film about a group of satanists who buy a dog for breeding then summon a monster to father the puppies. One of these puppies grows up to become the titular Devil Dog, using his mind powers to seduce the children and the mother of a small suburban family into the dark embrace of Beelzebub. It's up to Richard Crenna to travel to Ecuador, where apparently a thousand years ago early Ecuadorian Christians fought off a similar beast using tattoos on their hands. No, I don't believe it's supposed to make sense. Anyway, the final battle between sweating Crenna and giant blue-screened monster-dog-with-horns is well worth sitting through the hour and thirty-five minutes of radical. For some reason, there's also this:
No, it's not a trailer, unfortunately. It's a seven minute section of the actual film but is pretty accurate to what the rest of the movie is like. Directed by Joe 'Gremlins 2' Dante and intended apparently to ruin the minds of children, just like everything else Joe Dante directed. Featuring River Phoenix and Ethan Hawke in the roles that led to their eventual drug-related deaths (Ethan Hawke's is still coming up).
I vaguely recall this steaming pile of Dudley Moore-driven Cannon Films gold, but had no idea how badly my childhood must have been injured in watching this thing until I took a look at the trailer and felt my brain leak from my ears. Co-starring John Lithgow and directed by the same Frenchman who helmed Jaws 2 and Supergirl. I just can't say enough good things about children's films that deep end badly enough to inspire future sociopaths.
This fucking gem comes straight from the K Gordon Murray, the man who saved hundreds of films (mostly Mexican) from certain death at the hands of time and obscurity. If you've become familiar with the Santo or Blue Demon enmascarado films from the sixties and seventies, it was most likely thanks to this man. But I digress; on to the film at hand.
Originally titled 'Caperucita y Pulgarcito contra los monstruos,' this American version appears to be an insane trip down the psyche of an undead Mexican Walt Disney. It features Little Red Riding Hood, a character from a series of children's films, battling the Wicked Witch of Mexico, clearly modeled after the evil queen from Sleeping Beauty. Along with her pals - a skunk-man, the wolf and an ogre - they fight Dracula, Frankenstein's Monster, an ogre with hurricane breath and more. Fun for the whole family!
What's cooler than mopeds? Nothing, that's what. You probably already know that. What you don't know is that you can totally ride one from San Fransisco to South America if you're totally awesome. This is the documentary that proves it.
As the banlieues of Paris burn due to riots protesting the election triumph of an extreme right-wing party, a group of youths use the chaos as cover for smash-and-grab robberies. For Yasmina (Karina Testa), the money is an escape from the slums she has known all her life. With the police on their tail, her gang splits up, planning to meet at an inn near the Luxembourg border. Arriving at their destination, they encounter their hosts, the Von Geisler clan, who seem to be stuck in time: a jackbooted patriarch, his savagely flirtatious daughters and his thuggish sons. Revealing themselves as neo-Nazi fanatics, they see Yasmina as a fresh bloodline for their fascistic fantasy of starting a new Aryan brotherhood. Her friends find themselves trapped in a grim abattoir as Yasmina fights against the Von Geisler's invitation to become 'one of the family' in their twisted Gothic household.
You read right kids. After blowing up a handful of buildings in the end of the first Fight Club our boy Tyler is on the run and living a miserable lonely life as a split personality schizophrenic. Fight Club 3 was shot at the same time and is slated to come out sometime in 2009. Rumor has it that Fight Club 2 will end with some sort of cliffhanger that's sure to keep us on the edge of our seats until the third and final chapter in the series is released next year. OMG!
Also known as: "Remember me? I'm that guy that your parents burned alive for molesting children and now I'm back from the dead with jokes and jokes and jokes!"
If you've seen the trailer, then you know as much as I do. Indie Sci Fi British possible apocalypse regarding altered wave-forms and, presumably, electron values. Could this be hard SF? Maybe. Hard to tell from the trailer, but there's so little hard SF in film that it's worthwhile to check it out when it pops up. Cheers.
It seems a lot of people are hatin' on this one minute of footage from Frank Miller's adaptation of Will Eisner's comic. Granted, it does look exactly like Sin City... but how can you tell if a movie's gonna be good or bad based on a guy running across rooftops for 60 sec.?
This movie came out on DVD 3 years ago. I highly suggest you watch it back to back with Clash of the Titans while jerking off and listening to Daft Punk. Your senses will be heightened beyond all things living and dead.
Could it be? William Friedkin's finest movie (better than the Exorcist even)? Yes, yes it is. This movie has everything; Druids, babies, tree fucking, man fucking, mystery wolves... Everything. Except zombies or vampires or anything really more supernatural than Druids. But it rules, I swear it does.
Just one step closer the future envisioned in Clockwork Orange. I've considered buying a shotgun in my older years; incase any young havocs decide to " Kung Fu" their way into my studio and try to rob me. I'll be waiting brats.
I'm back! Let's see.....where shall I begin? How about we take a little trip to Tokyo? This is 4 mins. of footage from the documentary Tokyo Gore Police. All this is going on in Tokyo right now...no shit.
This is the story of a late-stage schizophrenic and his autistic dragon friend. Yes, I fucking loved this as a child. I still do. It's empirical evidence that Disney movies were once both well-done and on the side of actual children.
Dude. It's a documentary about a guy who rolls down hills with a shopping cart, and every main character is incapacitated by injury, jail or death. This might be the ballsiest doc of all time.
Behold! The conclusion of J.R.R. Tolkien's immortal masterpiece, THE LORD OF THE RINGS. Witness the gleaming brand of Andruil proudly lofted by Aragorn, son of Arathorn, the Elessar and heir of Isildur final king of Gondor! Behold Gandalf Stormcrow, Mithrandir to elves, Tharkin to Dwarves, the ring Narya upon his finger, last of the Maiar of Valinor on Middle-Earth! The wonders are endless...
LOLOLOL it's a trap! That was the first 9:10 of the Rankin/Bass 'adaption'. If you thought Peter Jackson butchered the books, just listen to Glenn Yarborough's hilarious minstrel show. Bilbo looks like my Great Aunt, and someone swapped out Elrond with an Amish peacock. Leave it to the 1970's to suck the nobility out of even the most glorious tale.
Comparison time. Eowyn's epic showdown with the Witch-King of Angmar in all three versions.
Rankin/Bass:
PROS: Tolkien's excellent dialogue is reproduced in full
CONS: Casey Kasem with a vocoder as the Witch-King's voice. ---- Peter Jackson:
PROS: The Witch-King's righteous morning star. Eowyn is pretty hot.
CONS: Eowyn's girlish scream ---- J.R.R. Tolkien: "Still she did not blench: maiden of the Rohirrim, child of kings, slender but as a steel-blade, fair yet terrible. A swift stroke she dealt, skilled and deadly. The outstretched neck she clove asunder, and the hewn head fell like a stone. Backward she sprang as the huge shape crashed to ruin, vast wings outspread, crumpled on the earth; and with its fall the shadow passed away. A light fell about her, and her hair shone in the sunrise.
Out of the wreck rose the Black Rider, tall and threatening, towering above her. With a cry of hatred that stung the very ears like venom he let fall his mace. Her shield was shivered in many pieces, and her arm was broken; she stumbled to her knees. he bent over her like a cloud, and his eyes glittered; he raised his mace to kill.
But suddenly he too stumbled forward with a cry of bitter pain, and his stroke went wide, driving into the ground. Merry's sword had stabbed him from behind, shearing through the black mantle, and passing up beneath the hauberk had pierced the sinew behind his mighty knee.
'Eowyn! Eowyn!' cried Merry. Then tottering, struggling up, with her last strength she drove her sword between crown and mantle, as the great shoulders bowed before her. The sword broke sparkling into many shards. The crown rolled away with a clang. Eowyn fell forward upon her fallen foe. But lo! the mantle and hauberk were empty. Shapeless they lay now on the ground, torn and tumbled; and a cry went up into the shuddering air, and faded to a shrill wailing, passing with the wind, a voice bodiless and thin that died, and was swallowed up, and was never heard again in that age of this world.
PROS: everything
CONS: nothing
WINNER: The original book, go read it you lazy teenagers!
I've been looking for a reason to post trailers for Uwe Boll movies here en masse, knowing that I'd be shown the way when the time was right. Well, that time has come. Behold, Uwe Boll and his masterpieces!
Bloodrayne - 2005
What the fuck is Ben Kingsley doing in this movie?!
House of the Dead - 2003
For totally cereal, this thing was greenlit, shot, edited and released with a distributor. Not since Cannon films has such a thing occurred to as great dismay.
In the Name of the King - 2007
Tyranny? Yes! Black magic? Yes! Jason Statham? Yes yes yes! I can actually feel Uwe jerking off into my brain!
I saw this movie in Vancouver when it premiered at the VIFF many years ago. It's one of the most stressful movies I've ever seen. It's two stories, one about an Arab immigrant who left his life in Iran behind to pursue one with a future in Sweden who's being blackmailed by old terrorist contacts who will kill his Iranian wife and child if he doesn't set off a bomb for them. The other story is about a boy that gets bullied until he's pushed too far and then kills another student in the woods with his police officer mother's gun. There are no happy endings in this film, and every decision is wrought with circumstances that seem insurmountable by our protagonists. If you can find it, watch it.
Ah yes, Phantasm. One of the finest series of bad horror films ever created and, from what I can tell, the sole financier of Angus Scrimm and Reggie Bannister. Here are the trailers for the first three, though in total there are five films. Of these, I'm not sure if the first or the third is my favorite. The first is the most well-made and features graveyard sex, supernatural sex change, an ice cream vendor/folk guitarist who closes a portal with his tuning fork knowledge and, of course, tiny undead monsters. However, it commits the sin of having actually blown up a then-new hemicuda. Seriously. They blew a whole car up. The third one involves an orphan with a killer instinct, black lesbian ninjas, a four-barrelled shotgun, an ethereal other-world and gives our original protagonist, Jodie, super-powers. That's pretty awesome. You'll have to make your own decision, but I urge you to find out. If you want to check out part IV, you'll get to see boobs that turn into killer silver balls.
Okay, so, guess who couldn't find a trailer in English? Oh, yeah, me. But to be fair, I didn't try very hard at all to find one. Anyway, this movie is about three guys who accidentally get voodooed into persons who can't die, then die, then become re-animated and go to high school. It's pretty self-explanatory - particularly if you speak German - but it's three-twenty in the am and I don't feel like seeking out an NTSC friendly version, so this is what you get. Still, pretty great.
Finally, an actual coming attraction. I haven't posted one of these since Doomsday, in the waybackwhen. This is the story of two families who shared the same father, one of which was treated quite badly and the other the father's second start in life. Now that 'ol Dad's dead, their differences are drawing them into a showdown that, I'm guessing, involves shotguns.
I could go on and say all sorts of things about this movie, but someone in the comments section of IMDB already wrote about it at length. Thus I give you Woodyanders review of Necromaniac: Scizophreniac 2.
"If you ever wanted to see a gratingly overwrought Howard Stern all jacked up on speed horribly overplay a demented, cross-dressing, masturbating, mother-hating, whore-slaughtering, high decibel profanity-spewing, corpse-fornicating ("I love *beep*in' 'em when they're dead"), smack-shooting, brain-eating, gay-bashing, spastic fit-throwing, hallucinating, totally whacked out of his mind with a toxically murderous mixture of misogynistic rage and psychopathic fury racist lunatic serial killer who went around the bloodthirsty bend because his nasty abusive slut of a mommy liked to shove a beer bottle up his butt as a little boy and now gleefully butchers folks as a crazed nutjob adult when he isn't running around stark naked screaming unprintable vile epithets at the top of his lungs in a hideously redundant, tiresomely strident, completely uninsightful and so aggressively base that it's merely annoying instead of remotely amusing or offensive downright lousy gore opus, then this fetid, obnoxious, sex, rape, nudity and violence-laden worthless chunk of dreadfully puerile splatter porn schlock is just the movie for you."
I should note that this review was negative, even though it basically makes this movie sound like the greatest thing ever.
What? What? You wanna go motherfucker? Seriously, this movie is awesome. Grab a forty and a couple of friends and make sure to turn on the subtitles so you lightweights can sing along.
The seventies weren't always about driller killers, witches and Ted V Mikels masturbation projects. Sometimes the seventies were about the Okie from Muskogee, Woody Guthrie. David Carradine plays Guthrie in this biopic, following him from the dustbowl out west, where he becomes a communist sympathizer, heroic folk musician and alcoholic. You should put this on your Netflix sometime soon, preferably now. It's just that good. Oh, Hal Ashby directs.
What do you get when you come up with a plot (killer, in this case), and decide to Dr. Seuss your way to a twist? You get Driller Killer, the rhymingly good time movie about a guy who gets horny while watching an advertisement for a power drill and decides to buy it then murder people with it. As I recall, the scene with the ad-watching is cut with a lesbian shower sex scene, so you, too, will get hard while watching an ad for a power drill, you sicko.
That's right, rocketing Tom Hanks into the soaring, atmospheric heights of his career, is fuel fodder Bachelor Party, which features such lines as "Gentleman, start your boners" and "Hi, come on in! Drugs to the right, hookers to the left." And coming soon, direct to DVD, the sequel.
Okay, I could have sworn that I posted this trailer before, but perhaps I didn't. Maybe I just watched it and, upon viewing this absolute treasure, passed out from the sheer excitement I felt having seen it. Anyway, it's about a guy who's killing people in a grocery store after hours. Sam and Ted Raimi both have parts. What else do you need to know?
This post might, on the surface, seem like an appeal to fans of eighties comedies and Kim Basinger, but it's not. It's actually for Buffy fans, as this movie features both Alyson Hannigan and Seth Green, who, of course, later worked together as Willow and Oz, possibly the best coupling on the show. (I know, you're gonna say Angel and Buffy's romance was epic, but, whatever; she's a witch and he's a werewolf. It's awesome). There's other stuff to, but that's what's important about this movie to me.
Somehow this trailer hasn't been posted on this blog previously. How'd we miss it? Only the Gods can know. Basically, this movie rules. It's about a bunch of kids who befriend Frankenstein's monster and then fight off the entire Universal creature pantheon, sending them all through a gateway to another dimension. Also, there's a scary German guy who lived through Auschwitz. This movie is so awesome that last year there was a two disc DVD set called Monster Squad Forever! documenting its total awesomeness.
Hello? Am I alone in here? Anyone feel like posting besides me? Aw, well...
Anyhoo, here's a teaser trailer for a classic eighties piece of shit called Cocaine Wars. It's actually only about one war, but pluralizing is awesome, so whatevs. It follows the convoluted tale of DEA agent Cliff Adams as he works for a cocaine czar in South America who's attempting to assassinate the president. For some reason, Cliff's wife is doing a news story on the drug lord, so he kidnaps her. Only Cliff can stop the madman from killing a president and save his wife's life! ZOMG!
What is there to say about this absolute gem of a film that the trailer doesn't splay proudly before you, demanding cinematic worship? Well, first of all, there's a scene where some military guys are in a hallway looking for their misplaced CHUD and, upon hearing a sound and opening a door, find a random black cat that leaps out, scaring them. Moments later, across the hallway, Bud the CHUD comes flying out a door, attacking them and escaping. I mean, that's got to be one of the most awesome moments in film history, right?
So, this appears to be a trailer for a porno about zombies who gang bang you. NSFW? No, because it's French, and if your porno is in French it can technically be called 'art.'
Jane Fonda IS Barbarella! This movie has the most kickin' soundtrack I've ever heard (I have it in three different vinyl versions - ahhh yeah) and features more awesomeness than has ever been collected into ninety minutes in the human history. Haven't seen this movie? You're parents owe you some kind of explanation. Not seeing this movie between ages ten and sixteen is considered child abuse in all but nine states.
Oh yes, Ted V Mikels strikes again. And this time he brings along Russ Meyer femme fatale Tura Satana and John mutha' fuckin' Carradine! If you're reading this out loud, stop! Invoking those names in a single, spoken paragraph is likely to lead to a doom the likes of which can't be imagined by anyone who's never seen a Ted V Mikels movie. Do you really want a cat to rip your throat out? I didn't think so.
What could possibly be reason for putting these two trailers together? Do they share actors? Genre? Crew? Nope. They've got something way, way more awesome in common: Posters.
Yeah, so this trailer actually has footage from Scream, Desperado and From Dusk Till Dawn before it even attempts to get to the trailer for the Faculty. Were they afraid that seeing a bunch of kids murder their alien teachers wouldn't pack enough punch? Everything about the plot description of this movie is totally teenage ass-kickery. I mean, it's about kids who get high to prove they're not body-snatched and then go on an ill fated killing spree. Did somebody think that wasn't enough? Really?
The story takes place at the turn of the 19th century in rural England. The Bennet family, consisting of Mr. and Mrs. Bennet and their five daughters - Jane, Elizabeth, Mary, Kitty, and Lydia - live in comparative financial independence on a working farm, Longbourn. Unfortunately, Longbourn is destined to be inherited by Mr. Bennet's cousin, Mr. Collins. As a result, Mrs. Bennet is anxious to marry off her five daughters before Mr. Bennet dies. However, Elizabeth, the heroine, is convinced that she will never marry unless she is compelled by true love. The family is delighted to hear that Mr. Bingley, a wealthy bachelor, has moved into Netherfield, a large house in the neighborhood. He is introduced to local society at an assembly ball, along with his haughty sister, Caroline, and reserved friend, Mr. Darcy, who "owns half of Derbyshire." Bingley is enchanted with the gentle and beautiful Jane, to her mother's delight. Elizabeth takes an instant dislike to Darcy after he coldly rebuffs her attempts at conversation and she overhears him describe her as "not handsome enough to tempt me."
Remember Cool World? Someone out there in 1992 thought the whole softcore/live-action/cartoon combo was gonna be the next big thing. They rushed out, grabbed David Carradine and the dude from Gremlins and made this. From what I can tell, this movie seems to be missing one key element though...Benny Hill.
Good- Elite group of pathology students competing with each other to see who's the best at covering up their tracks after a "Righteous Kill". Bad- It's from the director of Crank.
This is a clip of Gary Busey playing an ex-wrestler called the Hooded Fang who kidnaps children and forces them to operate a fog machine that will keep his secret headquarters hidden. Apparently Busey has decided that what he wants to do with his career is scare kids.
So here's the deal kiddies and kidettes: There's no place you can go to watch crap movies anymore, which is really quite a shame. I'm sure some of you out there recall those heady days before drinking was legal (or you met that creepy older guy who was always hanging around trying to score with fourteen year old), settled in front of a television set anxiously awaiting the familiar southern drawl of Joe Bob Briggs or Rhonda Shear's sex kitten intonation on the word 'up'. Yeah, I miss it too. So here's a little blast of awesome, courtesy YouTube and a handful of bad movie enthusiasts, just trying to keep an American tradition alive.
Ah, Joe Bob. You know he hosts an Oscar party every year. Gotta get to that one of these days...
The ever awesome Rhonda Shear, who brought me so very many censored soft core porno movies and the occasional bad horror film.
Without Sandra Bernhard, I never would have picked up all those Russ Meyer movies at the video store. Sure, Reel Wild didn't show movies in their entirety, but it was a good show nonetheless.
What can I say about Cassandra Peterson that hasn't been said about breasts a hundred times before? These are the people who changed my youth. There are others, sure - Penn and Teller used to host Monstervision before Joe Bob and Gilbert Gottfried switched out with Rhonda Shear every other weekend and there was that local broadcast of B movie cinema...
Someday I'm going to write a movie where the poor girl doesn't have supernatural powers but all the rich kids do. In the end the poor girl will just leave school and become a working class nobody, while the girl that tormented her the most becomes a powerful executive with a gubernatorial agenda. Because I hate to see what goes around come around.
I bring to you the first post in my Full Moon March madness marathon! I'll post a new Full Moon trailer everyday until St. Patty's Day suckas! Are you ready? Set....GO!
Meatballs: A story about some dudes trying to get laid at summer camp.
Meatballs II: A story about a girl whose never seen a 'dork' before and how her friends banded together that she might put some eyes on her first real life penis. Also an alien shows up, some twelve year old kids try to save the camp, a side-story featuring a homophobic military commander and his base of lisping soldiers and a handful of other completely nonsensical things.
Okay, so this clip here isn't the trailer for the upcoming Will Ferrel Land of the Lost project, but it's probably fair to judge that movie based on what happens in this clip. Seriously, someone decided to turn this awful, awful fucking show into a feature length movie starring Semi-Pro star and all around lunatic Will Ferrel. Don't believe me? I didn't think you would. That's why we have links to the IMDB page.
Where has this movie been all my life? I would much rather have Micheal Bay bump out one of these every year instead of remaking Nightmare on Elm St., Friday the 13th, and The Birds. I mean, there's a character named Dix Hauser for Christ's sake! The true mark of a cinematic masterpiece.
So here's the deal. I'm living with my homie in his mom's basement. The American version of The Ring just came out. I'm a little bit freaked out by it. I'm home alone shuffling through my friends VHS tapes and stumble upon a blank unmarked tape. Back in the day this was a sure sign of porn. What comes on when I press play? This crazy ass shit! I was almost positive I only had 7 days to live after I watched it.
Seriously, the trailer makes more sense then the movie. I hope all you fan boys learned a lesson from this. I don't wanna see you flooding any message boards after Dark Knight comes out whining for another Batman movie, cuz you might not like what you get. Hollywood is like a drunk genie that hates its job... be careful what you wish for kids.
This is the only reason anyone remembers this movie...
You know when you start dating a person and you blow off all your friends and never hang out with anyone except for that special someone all the time? That's basically Heathers. But in Heathers, that special someone is Christian Slater and he wants to kill your friends... then blow up your High School.
This clip from the movie does a good job of defining the hipster scene in Denver...
It's not often that I find myself resorting to text-speak and then laughing maniacally at the end of a trailer, but OMG slash LOL, I've been waiting for a Mad Max inspired post-apocalyptic movie pretty much since Mad Max. This has all the hallmarks of a movie that means to become a cult hit, bombs, then resurface six years later as a pop culture meme among anarchist kids with their first communal Netflix account. Me, I'll probably watch it slightly sooner than that.
I want everyone to just watch this. Let us all take a moment of silence and reflect back to an age of innocence. Back to a time when anything was possible...I bring to you Moonwalker, Michael Jackson's sci-fi-pseudo-bio-pic-epic-masterpiece-kid's ride!
This movie is what I have always imagined a pop funeral to look like. Some say when you die your life flashes before your eyes... Don't get it twisted I got love for MJ, but I feel like this movie was the last thing he really put his heart into... before the media cut it out.
The whole movie's not like that though. There's also a sub-plot where Joe Pesci kidnaps 3 orphans and tries to make them do drugs while plotting to destroy the earth with a giant laser cannon. Oh, and this sweet claymation chase scene...
P.S.- You can also watch the whole thing on YouTube... go get it!
Yes, there was a time when owning an SVHS camcorder and knowing a couple of people actually qualified you to call yourself a director. This splendid piece of cinematic history is from that Golden Age, when your trailers didn't have to say anything about your movie. I mean, seriously, what is the plot of this movie? I can't say for sure, except that there is a woodchipper and, hey, is that meat they're stuffing inside it?
I saw this movie as a kid. After viewing this horrifying vision of the future I immediately started putting ants in the webs of wolf-spiders to better our odds when the end was upon us. You can thank me later.
I'm not about to let this shit happen to me homie...
This is what AICN was sayin' about it.......
Now, I’ve seen this film. Or rather, I saw a version of it. And I can tell you that there’s a reason this film isn’t coming out in 2008 anymore. There’s a lot of work left to do on it, and I wouldn’t be surprised to hear about some fairly massive reshoots in the months ahead.
I wish I could be more specific, but because of how I saw it, I can’t offer any sort of real review. I can tell you that there’s something odd about the clip above. The Wild Thing in that clip is Carrol, played in the version I saw by James Gandolfini. That is most definitely NOT Gandolfini’s voice in that clip though. But it’s a very finished piece of film, because in the rough footage, none of the Wild Things have articulated faces. The costumes were all built to have immobile features that would be replaced in post-production by CGI, and it looks like this clip has had that work done on it.
So what are we looking at? Tone-wise, this is the film. It’s a little bit strange, a little bit sad, and it looks like a real world, not some greenscreen fantasy land.
We’ll keep you posted on this one as work continues on it, but for right now, this one’s a looooooooong way away, so enjoy this little taste.
Another fantasy kung-fu flick from Golden Harvest (Storm Riders) This whole movie is also up on youtube. I've only seen about half of it at a party while smoking weed as a young havoc. All I really remember was that everyone had umbrellas...??????
I don't know why, but the whole movie is up on youtube. It's a classic tale about a dude that hooks up with his best friend's girlfriend and then all hell breaks loose.
One of my favorites from last year that totally did not get the credit it deserved. The vampires in this movie are seriously on crack. They don't even try to hide the fact that they're killing people. Actually, now that I think about it, they don't even wipe their mouths after they've smothered themselves in a ripped open neck . That's about as real as it gets.
Part one of three of a late sixties educational documentary about the dangers and horrors of LSD. SEE! the horrific events that lead to tragedy! HEAR! the psychedelic sounds that accompany any group of acid-heads! FEEL! the absolute spinal chill of hallucinogenic drug use!
Also, I'm pretty sure one of the drug users is riding a Puch moped in one of the scenes.
Wow, this trailer makes Ghost look waaaaaaaay more intense then I remember it being. Then again, there was that scene when homeboy gets dragged to Hell kicking and screaming by those shadow trolls.
No, this movie is not a decisive cinematic essay about southeast Asian politics in the latter half of the nineteenth century. It's about a fucking serial killer who murders on the subways and loves meat.
