Widescreen crushes your puny soul (U.S. and European trailers fighting back to back)!
Conan, what is best in life?
1:26 of Cimmerian triumph!
And Conan's official backup band, ManOwaR!
Monday, December 31, 2007
Conan the Barbarian New Year's Eve Slaughter Fest (1982)
UHF (1989)
Continuing with the theme of fey white people, I present you UHF. In this cult classic, 'Weird Al' Yankovic commandeers a TV station his Uncle won in a poker game and quickly shapes it into a factory of win. Hilarious faux-shows include Gandhi II, Raul's Wild Kingdom, and Conan the Librarian. FACT: this movie launched the career of legendary bigot Michael Richards, aka Seinfeld's 'Kramer.'
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Rubin and Ed (1992)
Sorry no embedded trailer, go here...it's grand.
http://movies.nytimes.com/movie/42244/Rubin-Ed/trailers
Clip: "My cat can eat a whole watermelon"
Black Roses (1988)
Black Roses concerns a Heavy Metal band that is literally the spawn of Satan. Soon after their kick ass gig in a midwestern town, the local youth begin to fornicate, murder their parents, and transform into hideous demons.
The movie is a pleasant journey back in time to a more innocent America. A carefree era when parents lost sleep over the specter of spandex-clad long-haired British men shrieking about a Medieval conflation of Hebrew demons.
In this age of relentless irony, I can't help but look back wistfully on the days when Satan actually scared the shit out of people.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Vanishing Point - 1971
To make up for the previous non-trailer trailer for a movie that probably sucks, here's a great movie about driving a Challenger really fast, guided by a blind DJ with a police scanner, then blowing up and dying a hero of the people.
Samurai Cop - 1989
Here's hopefully the only time this will ever happen: IMDB doesn't allow embedding of their trailers, or if they do it's not very easy to figure out how to do it. So here's a link to the trailer for Samurai Cop, possibly the greatest movie ever made. Go ahead and watch the trailer, then come back. I'll wait for it.
* * * * *
Holy shit. Samurai Cop. What can I say about this movie that the trailer doesn't immediately fucking tell you? I know that it's terrible and unrelentingly awesome all at the same time. It's about a cop who's a samurai. This doesn't even need a plot. Samurai Cop goes around killing bad guys who burn his girlfriend with bacon grease, that's the only plot you need to know. This trailer must have been part of a Joe Bob Briggs collection, but it's the only one I could find, so you're stuck with it.
Here's a little snippet of just how awesome this fucking movie is, courtesy of AkumuHau, who has many more clips of many more awful, awful movies.
Flowers in the Attic - 1987
This is one of those movies that should be awesome but totally sucks. Patriarch dies, family moves in with sadistic grandmother, children are locked in an attic for years and poisoned by their mother who's moved on to a new husband completely unbeknownst to the attic-living kids, then dies at the wedding when she falls through a trellis and is hung by her dress, which apparently got caught and wrapped around her throat. Fucking awesome, right? If I ever have a few million to throw around this will be the movie I remake.
Also: Based on a VC Andrews novel, which makes enjoying it even more salacious.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Jayce and the Wheel Warriors - 1985
Inspired by the post below for Captain Power, I unearthed this little gem from my childhood. Jayce and the Wheel Warriors is about a kid with striped hair searching for his father, whose been kidnapped (or something, this is from a long, long time ago) by Sawboss. Everyone drives a super vehicle with some kind of weapon attachment in a world made of gnarled vines. This is the intro for the show, as I don't think a trailer even exists.
Captain Power and the Soldiers of the Future (1987)
ATTN: Michael Bay. Watch, and imagine what could be...
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
SUKIYAKI WESTERN DJANGO-2008
Anybody wanna go see this with me? I'll bring the leather blanket if you bring the whiskey...
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Southland Tales - 2008
Richard Kelly brings us a movie about an apocalyptic future featuring the Rock, Buffy the Vampire Slayer and a handful of comedic actors to be quirky wierdos. Totally awesome.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Machete (20??)
If you poured a gallon of tequila into a bucket of napalm and stabbed it with a knife while listening to 'Ride of the Valkyries', you might create something half as awesome as Machete.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
HOWARD The Duck-1986-Super Mega Post Edition
In 1986, a hero came to earth in the form of a duck named Howard.
"Why fuck around ?" was Howard's motto. After killing that evil scientist; Howard decided to take over the record industry. Go get 'em Howard!
But like most Ducks, Howard loved him some crackers!
Howard the Duck we salute you!
The Eye (remake)-2008
"The Eye" Exclusive Trailer
Add to My Profile | More Videos
Hopefully this movie never-ever-ever-ever-ever-ever-ever get released!
The Corpse Grinders - 1972
Ted V Mikels must have been pretty busy in 1972, the year he produced both this gem and the aforementioned Blood Orgy of the She-Devils. Are the movies any good? Who cares. The trailers are brilliant.
The plot to this movie is pretty straightforward: A cat food company about to go under decides to use corpses instead of quality meats, which in turn drive the cats mad enough to kill and devour their owners, having had a taste for man-flesh. Like the Birds, only without the spectacle of Tippy Hedron and several hundred blue-screened birds (or however that effect was achieved).
I think the real treat in this trailer is in the voiceover, much as it is in Blood Orgy - "Do you know what this is? It's a corpse grinding machine!" How could a line like that not spur you into the drive-in/video store/online DVD distribution center, your inner monologue echoing the title of this movie incessantly, daring you to witness the amazing cinema that is the Corpse Grinders?
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
She - 1982
Not a trailer - there doesn't seem to be one readily available on the interwubz. And I actually looked pretty hard. So here's a clip, from which you might actually derive the intense 'what the fuck?!' feeling that this full movie will instill within you.
She is the story of a barbarian woman/goddess called simply She who goes adventuring with two men, Dick and Tom, seeking their sister. Along the way they do battle with mutants, swordsmen, werewolves and other monsters (the clip above features, uh, Frankenstein's monster wearing what might be an old-skool DIY band jacket?). They travel from lands set in Conan-like fantasy to places where black ties and tuxes are necessary attire for dinner. Much of this movie makes almost no sense, but it's a nonstop ride to awesome-town, much aided by the ingestion of alcohol, though you'll have an almost equally good time without.
Seriously, you might as well add this to your Netflix right now, because it's impossible to be disappointed by this movie.
Blood Orgy of the She Devils - 1972
This wasn't the trailer I was looking for, but happening on a title this awesome requires at least one viewing. Between that and a quick trip to the IMDB, I've figured out that this is probably a terribly shitty movie. The trailer alone gives us the first glimpse of how likely awful a piece of shit this movie is, with it's poorly edited cuts, lack of gore despite hints of incredible violence and a voiceover that introduces us to characters as they're zoomed into; all hallmarks of films made on the basis that a salient trailer might provoke attendance but which, while watching, are unmasked as boring, nearly plotless movies meandering through ninety minutes with long bouts of meaningless dialogue and very slow chases.
I'm imaging that the protagonist is a scientist or cop hot on the trail of the Satanist She-Devils. I can already imagine the endless segments cutting between Mara the witch casting spells and the cop/scientist/occult fighter explaining to his clueless aids how various crime scenes point to...Witchcraft!
Is it unfair to judge a movie by its trailer? Probably. In this case, I'm sticking with my pre-loaded opinion. The seventies have burned me too many times with movies like this. Still, entertaining trailer.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Hi res Dark Knight Trailer + 6 mins from film
Joker robs a bank:
Hi res trailer:
no embeded thing....deal with it!
http://atasteforthetheatrical.com/deathtrap/default.htm
GO GO GO!
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Anguish - 1987
I saw this movie under the title Anguish, and I'm pretty sure the entire thing was shot in the US using Americans, though the director is foreign and this is clearly a Spanish trailer. It's about an eye-doctor who loses his job and is hypnotized by his mother (Zelda Rubinstein, who is always awesome) to cut out the eyes of movie patrons. Beware, the film has sections that are rumored to hypnotize you, the audience member, into committing violent acts of murder!
Edit: Shot in Spain. Huh.
Lady in a Cage - 1964
Not the trailer, because I couldn't find one. These are the opening credits to a super-intense movie called Lady In a Cage, about an elderly heiress who uses an elevator to get between her first and second floors. One day the elevator shorts out and she's trapped in the cage. Her cries for help eventually reach a drunkard who robs her, then three greaser youths who torment her and destroy her home.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Fudoh - 1996 - Japan
Fudoh
Fudoh, a movie about family. Specifically about a son who takes on his Yakuza father as revenge for his brother, who was murdered to appease another gang and stop a violent gang-war. To this end the son enlists several fellow high schoolers, one of whom is a girl who shoots darts from her vagina, and starts a gang of his own.
Down there: Two clips, one of a couple of very young gunmen, another of an encounter between Riki (the son) and a rather large biker who will eventually join his gang. Oh, and vagina darts.
Cloverfield - (5 minute Exclusive)-2008
All hype aside, JJ Abrams jus' produced this. He didn't write it or direct it so it might be a big let down. I still have a huge crush on this movie though.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Deep Water - 2006
Alone and at sea, a man who shouldn't be racing around the world is, nonetheless, intrepidly facing off against the elements; storms, hunger, winds and an insanity borne of desperation and fatigue.
The Reflecting Skin (1990)
The events in this movie make little sense in a vacuum. A troupe of murderous greasers, an English vampire in love with Viggo Mortensen, a calcified fetus, and rural Idaho. But woven together by the curiously horrifying script of Phillip Ridley, they acquire a gestalt majesty. It doesn't make logical sense, but it all seems disturbingly familiar.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
MUNICH-2006
In September 1972 an unprecedented terrorist attack unfolded live before 900 million television viewers across the globe and ushered in a brave new world of unpredictable violence.
It was the second week of the Summer Olympics, and in Munich, West Germany, the games that had been dubbed the "the Olympics of Peace and Joy" were off to a rousing start with swimmer Mark Spitz and gymnast Olga Korbut wowing the crowds. Suddenly, without warning, a Palestinian group known as Black September invaded the Olympic Village, killing two members of the Israeli Olympic team and capturing nine as hostages. The tense stand-off and tragic massacre that ensued played out with stunning immediacy on television before an international populace and ended 21 hours later when anchorman Jim McKay spoke the haunting words, "They're all gone." While the Munich terror was seen and felt around the world, the intensely secret aftermath of the event has remained largely unknown. Now, from director STEVEN SPIELBERG comes Munich, a gripping thriller based on the events of Munich 1972 and the highly charged mission of retribution that followed - by the covert hit squad known to Israeli intelligence as "Operation Wrath of God," one of the boldest and most aggressive assassination plots in modern history.
AVP R - 2007 - Red Band Trailer
Aliens Vs Predator - Requiem
Sure, Alien versus Predator isn't exactly the season's most anticipated movie. The Red Band trailer is still totally worth watching.
LOST-Season 4 (2008) Warning: Season 1,2,3 spoilers ( I think )
LOST is a bit of a grey area for me...SEASON 1- Made sense kind of, at the time, when everyone thought the island was some form of purgatory or hell.
SEASON 2- Didn't really make any sense at all. We found out Hurley's dad is Cheech??? Adebisi from OZ plays an African drug runner with a heart of gold, and, now that I think about it, almost all of the new characters die at the end of the season...or do they? Rumor has it a handful of the "dead" characters are comin' back for Season 4...
SEASON 3-Ummmm, wtf? Why explain the smoke monster? It kills people randomly(?) It's been there since season 1 and... well... that's about it. There's a Russian guy that dies twice and knows... kung-fu? Or was it Thai kick-boxing? And one of the new plot devices is a ghost in a cabin named Jacob that only 2 people on the whole island, er, I mean "islands" ( I forgot there's more then one in this season... or is there?) can see?! And the season finale is... A flash forward instead of a flash back? You assholes.
I hope at some point in season 4 the writers stop caring all together and play episodes of THE PRISONER for the rest of the show's run. At least that show wasn't "pretending'' to make sense...they jus' didn't give a fuck.
I did however cry almost every episode of season 2 and when Charlie died ( or did he? ) in season 3. What? I'm not completely void of emotion. Geez.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Stalker - 1979 - Russian
Probably one of the finest directors to come out of Russia (or, really, from anywhere), Andrei Tarkovsky creates slow, brooding films about concepts generally relegated to the science fiction novels of the fifties through the seventies. Stalker is about three men, two who are seeking entry to the Zone - a place where a person's greatest dreams and fears and whatnot are revealed to them - and the Stalker, a man capable of treading about the myriad pitfalls and traps between the city and the Zone. On the journey many philosophical concepts are uncovered and contemplated. What is exceptionally striking it Tarkovsky's cinematography, which you see a lot of in some modern filmmakers - notably Shyamalan (when he's not ripping of Spielberg). Well worth the near three hours of movie.
Todd Haynes Superstar - 1987
Okay, so technically this isn't a trailer. It's the first nine minutes of Todd Haynes student thesis Superstar: The Karen Carpenter Story. Still, it's enjoyable and oddly captivating despite the stars' sterile, vacant faces and immobility.
First Name: Carmen - 1983 - France
Yet another Godard, but this one much less appreciated, if not seen. This adaptation of the opera Carmen features the title woman in the role of terrorist Carmen X, who falls for a policeman guarding the bank that her cell is planning to rob. Interspersed is footage of a small orchestra playing Beethoven.
Pierrot le Fou - 1965 - France
What's nice about this trailer is that it adequately captures the madness that is the movie. There's an actual dialogue attempted between trailer and audience and it kind of works.
I Am Legend - 2007 - Spoiler: It Sucked
Why bother posting the trailer to a movie to heart-wrenchingly and gut-painfully different from some of the most beautifully unnerving source material available? Because this is a fucking trailer blog, that's why.
Here's the deal: If you've read Matheson's seminal novella I Am Legend, then you're aware that it's one of the top three vampire stories ever written and has one of the bleakest endings tacked onto a story told in three acts, each one subsequently displaying an even more unfathomable loneliness than the previous. So when you go to the movie adaptation (Omega Man is closer to the source than this Will-Smith-Joke vehicle) and find that it not only doesn't resemble that work, but the titular Legend has been deformed into a Hollywood Bullshit Happy Ending? Well, it makes you feel as though part of you was taken out, raped by homonculi and re-inserted complete with the mucousy semen of a thousand AIDS ridden creatures. If they'd used even a quarter of the scenes in the book (Matheson is known primarily for his television writing and it shows clearly in the novella, which would make an easy adaptation), this movie would have been amazing. Instead? Well, I mentioned something earlier about feeling violated.
Don't see it, don't let your friends see it, don't let your local theater show it. Read the book then burn down a studio. Maybe something worthwhile could come of I Am Legend if we all just did our part.
Das Komabrutale Duell (1999)
I've seen this one twice now. I still don't really know what happens (do to no subtitles on my copy) except that there is a car accident which results in the hiring of the Mexican Mafia and no one can die no matter how much gore come out of them. Gore as far as the eye can see. Does it hold up as a good movie though?
Tetsuo (1989)
The ORIGINAL Iron Man. Robert Downey Jr. can't hold the mechanized drill phallus of Tomorowo Taguchi.
The Apple-1980
This is what Bill Gates thought the world would be like in 1994. Close, but no cigar.
Supersonic Man-1979
If Supersonic Man hadn't picked up that tractor, that lady wouldn't have gone over that cliff.
The Peanut Butter Solution-1985
Hats off to the studio for doing such a great job editing the trailer and covering up all the creepy ass shit that happens in this movie... like that child labor scene.
The Chocolate War-1988
Please! I insist you watch the original before Wes Anderson buys the rights and attempts to remake this masterpiece! I'm begging you!
The Invasion of the Thunderbolt Pagoda
Not sure if this counts as a trailer....but here it is, feel free to "Wtf?!?" at it...
Monday, December 10, 2007
LADY IN WHITE-1988
Does it creep you out that I remember all these shady kid's movies yet?
NOTE: 5 years later J. R. R. Tolkien wrote a trilogy of books based off this movie entitled LORD OF THE RINGS
-MNGT
My Pet Monster- 1986
Black parents used to show this to their kids whenever their school mates would ask them why their skin was a different color. True story. Why would I make this shit up?
Meet the Applegates- 1991
Sooooo, let's say you make this movie, and it's a wicked dark comedy about high school. Let's call it HEATHERS. You get a little shine off it. The indie scene LOVES YOU. What do you do next? Buy the good "Hollywood" cocaine, buy a copy of NAKED LUNCH, rent BEETLEJUICE, then make a movie about a family of giant praying mantis' that move to the suburbs, eat trash, smoke pot, and have sex all the time. I mean, that's what I would do...jus' sayin.
Rectuma (2004)
From the legendary director Mark Pirro, comes the newest entry from Pirromont Pictures: RECTUMA! Sure to become as classic and well know as other such Pirromont movies as A Polish Vampire In Burbank, The Curse Of The Queerwolf and of course Nudist Colony Of The Dead. I sure hope he makes the sequel: SCROTUMA!
Blood Freak (1972)
To my knowledge there has only ever been one movie that can be described as a Pro-Jesus Anti-Marijuana Turkey-Monster movie, and Blood Freak would be it. It is an amazing specimen in the exploitation genre as it is a christian propaganda movie that was rated X and contained gore, sex and drug use. I have to assume that they were trying lure in people who like this stuff and then try to convert them. Who would have ever thunk it that a Christian movie would have gore in it. (cough)
There Will Be Blood-2007
I recently read that there won't be any dialogue for the first 20 min. of this movie. True story. Just a heads up if you were planning on seeing it.
THE RAIDERS OF ATLANTIS-1983
The new Rudolph Giuliani video promo for the '08 election is amazing! Vote Giuliani and this shit could be happening like every day! No shit!
Liquid Sky (1982)
During the filming of Liquid Sky, a trans-dimensional entity known as 'THE GIPPER' laid his eggs in Soviet special-effect expert Yuri Neyman's imagination. Nine years later, Communism fell.
Iron Man (2008)
This looks to be a brain-blasting reboot of the final twenty minutes of Bedknobs and Broomsticks.
Sex and the City (2008)
My script Canoodling and the Cradle concerns the flossin' infant progeny of these four soulless harpies. Thanks to the writer's strike, I expect it to be optioned within the hour.
Street Fighter IV!!!
A developer said if you watch close enough in the trailer they give away some secrets about the new game play and what all you can do, so, Analyze it!
GTA IV Trailer: Move up ladies
This game looks amazing! what should the tag be for Game trailers? How about..."Game"
Trailer: daft punk's ELECTROMA (Japanese Sub)
The Japanese trailer for Electroma, just for the hell of it.
F for Fake - 1975
Without a doubt the finest Orson Welles, possibly one of the finer post-modern films ever made. Also clocking in at just under nine minutes, possibly the longest trailer ever produced.
Tales From the Hood- 1995
1. I am the pround owner of this masterpiece.
2. Cam'ron from Dipset plays "Gangster number 3"
3. It's from the producers of Menace 2 Society.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
LEPRECHAUN vs. WISHMASTER-(????)
I wish I may, I wish I might...I hope this movie gets made tonight!
Garbage Pail Kids Trailer (1987)
This movie was the best thing to ever happen to me. It completely changed my whole outlook on the world. The cruel uncaring world...
Poultrygeist - 2007 (or 2008)
Uncle Lloyd, will you tell me a story? Better yet, will you tell me a musical? About a fast-food restaurant on an Ancient Indian Burial Ground? And monster zombie chickens? And lovelorn teens who have to fight them? Thankyou Unky Lloyd, thankyou.
Visitor Q - 2001
Takashi Miike brings homes the alpha male and changes a family's life, sending each member down an absurd personal journey and ultimately uniting them to get rid of the bodies.
Harold and Kumar 2 (Red band trailer)
I'm posting this just for the fact that it's a rated R trailer!
Machine Girl - 2007
I don't know anything about this movie. But I saw this trailer and, about halfway through, couldn't stop the words "oh" and "shit" from popping out of my mouth.
Blood Feast - 1963
No day is complete without a trailer from the Godfather of Gore himself, Herschell Gordon Lewis (possibly sic). Blood Feast is the story of an egyptian butcher who needs parts of several women to raise an ancient Goddess from her millenia-old sleep to conquer the world, or at least New York City. Bumbling cops give chase but can't catch the madman.
August Underground Mordum - 2003
August Underground's Mordum
Homemade video from three psychopathic killers as they rampage across town, kidnapping, murdering, raping and generally being horrible, horrible people. Second in a trilogy, the first was delivered on an unmarked tape that appeared to be the actual snuff exploits of two maniacs until the distributor's name popped up on screen and assured you that it was, indeed, fake.
Nekromantik - 1987 - German w/ English Subtitles
Nekromantik - possibly the finest film about a young couple sharing a passion for dead things. Also the site of the most amazing climax ever put to celluloid.
DANTE 01 Trailer
French people doin' some French stuff in outer space or somthin'...its all in French.
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