Finally, an actual coming attraction. I haven't posted one of these since Doomsday, in the waybackwhen. This is the story of two families who shared the same father, one of which was treated quite badly and the other the father's second start in life. Now that 'ol Dad's dead, their differences are drawing them into a showdown that, I'm guessing, involves shotguns.
I could go on and say all sorts of things about this movie, but someone in the comments section of IMDB already wrote about it at length. Thus I give you Woodyanders review of Necromaniac: Scizophreniac 2.
"If you ever wanted to see a gratingly overwrought Howard Stern all jacked up on speed horribly overplay a demented, cross-dressing, masturbating, mother-hating, whore-slaughtering, high decibel profanity-spewing, corpse-fornicating ("I love *beep*in' 'em when they're dead"), smack-shooting, brain-eating, gay-bashing, spastic fit-throwing, hallucinating, totally whacked out of his mind with a toxically murderous mixture of misogynistic rage and psychopathic fury racist lunatic serial killer who went around the bloodthirsty bend because his nasty abusive slut of a mommy liked to shove a beer bottle up his butt as a little boy and now gleefully butchers folks as a crazed nutjob adult when he isn't running around stark naked screaming unprintable vile epithets at the top of his lungs in a hideously redundant, tiresomely strident, completely uninsightful and so aggressively base that it's merely annoying instead of remotely amusing or offensive downright lousy gore opus, then this fetid, obnoxious, sex, rape, nudity and violence-laden worthless chunk of dreadfully puerile splatter porn schlock is just the movie for you."
I should note that this review was negative, even though it basically makes this movie sound like the greatest thing ever.
What? What? You wanna go motherfucker? Seriously, this movie is awesome. Grab a forty and a couple of friends and make sure to turn on the subtitles so you lightweights can sing along.
The seventies weren't always about driller killers, witches and Ted V Mikels masturbation projects. Sometimes the seventies were about the Okie from Muskogee, Woody Guthrie. David Carradine plays Guthrie in this biopic, following him from the dustbowl out west, where he becomes a communist sympathizer, heroic folk musician and alcoholic. You should put this on your Netflix sometime soon, preferably now. It's just that good. Oh, Hal Ashby directs.
What do you get when you come up with a plot (killer, in this case), and decide to Dr. Seuss your way to a twist? You get Driller Killer, the rhymingly good time movie about a guy who gets horny while watching an advertisement for a power drill and decides to buy it then murder people with it. As I recall, the scene with the ad-watching is cut with a lesbian shower sex scene, so you, too, will get hard while watching an ad for a power drill, you sicko.
That's right, rocketing Tom Hanks into the soaring, atmospheric heights of his career, is fuel fodder Bachelor Party, which features such lines as "Gentleman, start your boners" and "Hi, come on in! Drugs to the right, hookers to the left." And coming soon, direct to DVD, the sequel.
Okay, I could have sworn that I posted this trailer before, but perhaps I didn't. Maybe I just watched it and, upon viewing this absolute treasure, passed out from the sheer excitement I felt having seen it. Anyway, it's about a guy who's killing people in a grocery store after hours. Sam and Ted Raimi both have parts. What else do you need to know?
Somehow this trailer hasn't been posted on this blog previously. How'd we miss it? Only the Gods can know. Basically, this movie rules. It's about a bunch of kids who befriend Frankenstein's monster and then fight off the entire Universal creature pantheon, sending them all through a gateway to another dimension. Also, there's a scary German guy who lived through Auschwitz. This movie is so awesome that last year there was a two disc DVD set called Monster Squad Forever! documenting its total awesomeness.
Hello? Am I alone in here? Anyone feel like posting besides me? Aw, well...
Anyhoo, here's a teaser trailer for a classic eighties piece of shit called Cocaine Wars. It's actually only about one war, but pluralizing is awesome, so whatevs. It follows the convoluted tale of DEA agent Cliff Adams as he works for a cocaine czar in South America who's attempting to assassinate the president. For some reason, Cliff's wife is doing a news story on the drug lord, so he kidnaps her. Only Cliff can stop the madman from killing a president and save his wife's life! ZOMG!
What is there to say about this absolute gem of a film that the trailer doesn't splay proudly before you, demanding cinematic worship? Well, first of all, there's a scene where some military guys are in a hallway looking for their misplaced CHUD and, upon hearing a sound and opening a door, find a random black cat that leaps out, scaring them. Moments later, across the hallway, Bud the CHUD comes flying out a door, attacking them and escaping. I mean, that's got to be one of the most awesome moments in film history, right?
Steven Seagal is: Cock Puncher! It doesn't really get better than that, does it?
So, this appears to be a trailer for a porno about zombies who gang bang you. NSFW? No, because it's French, and if your porno is in French it can technically be called 'art.'
Jane Fonda IS Barbarella! This movie has the most kickin' soundtrack I've ever heard (I have it in three different vinyl versions - ahhh yeah) and features more awesomeness than has ever been collected into ninety minutes in the human history. Haven't seen this movie? You're parents owe you some kind of explanation. Not seeing this movie between ages ten and sixteen is considered child abuse in all but nine states.
Oh yes, Ted V Mikels strikes again. And this time he brings along Russ Meyer femme fatale Tura Satana and John mutha' fuckin' Carradine! If you're reading this out loud, stop! Invoking those names in a single, spoken paragraph is likely to lead to a doom the likes of which can't be imagined by anyone who's never seen a Ted V Mikels movie. Do you really want a cat to rip your throat out? I didn't think so.
What could possibly be reason for putting these two trailers together? Do they share actors? Genre? Crew? Nope. They've got something way, way more awesome in common: Posters.
Yeah, so this trailer actually has footage from Scream, Desperado and From Dusk Till Dawn before it even attempts to get to the trailer for the Faculty. Were they afraid that seeing a bunch of kids murder their alien teachers wouldn't pack enough punch? Everything about the plot description of this movie is totally teenage ass-kickery. I mean, it's about kids who get high to prove they're not body-snatched and then go on an ill fated killing spree. Did somebody think that wasn't enough? Really?
The story takes place at the turn of the 19th century in rural England. The Bennet family, consisting of Mr. and Mrs. Bennet and their five daughters - Jane, Elizabeth, Mary, Kitty, and Lydia - live in comparative financial independence on a working farm, Longbourn. Unfortunately, Longbourn is destined to be inherited by Mr. Bennet's cousin, Mr. Collins. As a result, Mrs. Bennet is anxious to marry off her five daughters before Mr. Bennet dies. However, Elizabeth, the heroine, is convinced that she will never marry unless she is compelled by true love.
The family is delighted to hear that Mr. Bingley, a wealthy bachelor, has moved into Netherfield, a large house in the neighborhood. He is introduced to local society at an assembly ball, along with his haughty sister, Caroline, and reserved friend, Mr. Darcy, who "owns half of Derbyshire." Bingley is enchanted with the gentle and beautiful Jane, to her mother's delight. Elizabeth takes an instant dislike to Darcy after he coldly rebuffs her attempts at conversation and she overhears him describe her as "not handsome enough to tempt me."
And here's the whole entire movie on youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tnsyXYnPoAE&NR=1
Remember Cool World? Someone out there in 1992 thought the whole softcore/live-action/cartoon combo was gonna be the next big thing. They rushed out, grabbed David Carradine and the dude from Gremlins and made this. From what I can tell, this movie seems to be missing one key element though...Benny Hill.
You know what weird rocker dude? This night really is getting pretty fucking interesting.
"...tells the story of a lonely twelve year-old boy and his friendship with a young girl, who appears to be a vampire"
-Comingsoon.net
Evil Bong looks like a a Full Moon "high" school reunion. March Madness continues!
Do I smell a sequel? I'm getting a contact high jus' watchin' this...
Speaking of Gary Busey...
The clip below will help you understand why Gary was chosen for such a role...
Good- Elite group of pathology students competing with each other to see who's the best at covering up their tracks after a "Righteous Kill".
Bad- It's from the director of Crank.
This is a clip of Gary Busey playing an ex-wrestler called the Hooded Fang who kidnaps children and forces them to operate a fog machine that will keep his secret headquarters hidden. Apparently Busey has decided that what he wants to do with his career is scare kids.
One of the more recent Full Moon releases and a sure sign that Full Moon is still pissing awesome juice after all these years.
So here's the deal kiddies and kidettes: There's no place you can go to watch crap movies anymore, which is really quite a shame. I'm sure some of you out there recall those heady days before drinking was legal (or you met that creepy older guy who was always hanging around trying to score with fourteen year old), settled in front of a television set anxiously awaiting the familiar southern drawl of Joe Bob Briggs or Rhonda Shear's sex kitten intonation on the word 'up'. Yeah, I miss it too. So here's a little blast of awesome, courtesy YouTube and a handful of bad movie enthusiasts, just trying to keep an American tradition alive.
Ah, Joe Bob. You know he hosts an Oscar party every year. Gotta get to that one of these days...
The ever awesome Rhonda Shear, who brought me so very many censored soft core porno movies and the occasional bad horror film.
Without Sandra Bernhard, I never would have picked up all those Russ Meyer movies at the video store. Sure, Reel Wild didn't show movies in their entirety, but it was a good show nonetheless.
What can I say about Cassandra Peterson that hasn't been said about breasts a hundred times before? These are the people who changed my youth. There are others, sure - Penn and Teller used to host Monstervision before Joe Bob and Gilbert Gottfried switched out with Rhonda Shear every other weekend and there was that local broadcast of B movie cinema...
But I digress. True American heroes, all of them.
Some worthwhile quotes:
"This isn't a human sacrifice is it?"
"A totally new kind of movie experience; a new kind of high!"
Someday I'm going to write a movie where the poor girl doesn't have supernatural powers but all the rich kids do. In the end the poor girl will just leave school and become a working class nobody, while the girl that tormented her the most becomes a powerful executive with a gubernatorial agenda. Because I hate to see what goes around come around.
I bring to you the first post in my Full Moon March madness marathon! I'll post a new Full Moon trailer everyday until St. Patty's Day suckas! Are you ready? Set....GO!
Meatballs: A story about some dudes trying to get laid at summer camp.
Meatballs II: A story about a girl whose never seen a 'dork' before and how her friends banded together that she might put some eyes on her first real life penis. Also an alien shows up, some twelve year old kids try to save the camp, a side-story featuring a homophobic military commander and his base of lisping soldiers and a handful of other completely nonsensical things.
