The 13th Warrior - 1999

It's time for a lesson in sociocultural trailer structuring. The 13th Warrior is a movie based on a Michael Crichton short called Eaters of the Dead about a Muslim aristocrat sent away to the north as a diplomat after sleeping with a king's wife. He comes to live among a group of twelve vikings sent on a mission to a small enclave that have been attacked multiple times by bear-skin clad raiders who live in the caves above the village. The Muslim character, (Antonia Banderas being vaguely ethnic) becomes a warrior and garners the respect of the viking people by the end of the movie. Is there a more awesome premise for a movie that's essentially about battle, vikings and the age-old war between earth-mother worship and sky gods? Probably not.

So, here are two trailers, each for this movie. The first is the American release trailer, which features some kind of Gregorian monk chanting for the first half. The second is the German trailer, which features German dialogue but will nonetheless be easily understood after having watched the English language one. Decide which movie you'd rather see and then watch the clip at the end to determine whether or not you were correct.








And now the clip.




That's right, if you chose option B, the German trailer, then you picked the one that actually tells you what this movie is about. What the hell is with the American version and the pointless inclusion of a romantic subplot? Why does this matter? It's a means to an end, nothing more. It's that kind of obligatory storytelling that ruins good films.

I'm just sayin'.

She - 1982

Not a trailer - there doesn't seem to be one readily available on the interwubz. And I actually looked pretty hard. So here's a clip, from which you might actually derive the intense 'what the fuck?!' feeling that this full movie will instill within you.

She is the story of a barbarian woman/goddess called simply She who goes adventuring with two men, Dick and Tom, seeking their sister. Along the way they do battle with mutants, swordsmen, werewolves and other monsters (the clip above features, uh, Frankenstein's monster wearing what might be an old-skool DIY band jacket?). They travel from lands set in Conan-like fantasy to places where black ties and tuxes are necessary attire for dinner. Much of this movie makes almost no sense, but it's a nonstop ride to awesome-town, much aided by the ingestion of alcohol, though you'll have an almost equally good time without.

Seriously, you might as well add this to your Netflix right now, because it's impossible to be disappointed by this movie.