Fake Trailers!

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These aren't even real. They are crap cartoons. But they involve your youth and famous directors' names.

The Road 2009

Holy Fuck!

Air Doll - 2009

This trailer is in Korean with no subtitles, but it's about a sex toy that comes to life, presumably because of an ancient Egyptian curse, if Mannequin has taught me anything about living dolls. But it looks like it might be a really good movie, drifting along miscreant pathways and contemplating love and poetry, which is what the best SE Asian romance dramas seem to do.

Oh! My Zombie Mermaid - 2004

Oh mah gawd.

US DVD release in July 09, apparently. But I want it now!

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans - 2009

Nicholas Cage and Werner Herzog made a movie together. I predict: Best movie ever made (by Nic Cage).

Subspecies I-IV - 1991, 1993, 1994, 1998 {Super Maxi Post}

I remember seeing this movie when I was probably twelve or thirteen years old and not being able to wait for the sequels as they arrived. It was the golden age of Full Moon, AKA the best time for bad horror movies ever, and I think these trailers elucidate that point quite nicely.



It appears to be a pretty straightforward vampire movie, shot in Bucharest, about some girls who get turned into vampires by the evil Radu, who ends up battling his brother, also a vampire, for the life of one of the women with whom he's fallen in love. But since it's Full Moon it's also full of weird little claymation demons for no reason.



Oh man, Subspecies II just amps it up a little more. Now it's suddenly about using this bloodstone to become immortal (I know, he's already immortal, but whatever) and there's a bunch of vampire magic and that chick from the first one's sister is looking for her and totally in danger of being turned into a vampire too! Oh noes!



Yes, yes, Bloodlust! The terror continues this Halloween, '93! Keep it coming, Charles Band. There's no stopping this freight train of awesome now!



So these people just can not fucking die! I think when the actress utters the phrase 'please kill me' she's genuinely asking someone on set to end the franchise. Of course, this was four years after the third, which perhaps implies someone's career didn't go quite as expected. How is it that they keep coming? Every movie ends with Radu dying, then the next movie starts with some crazy ritual to bring him back to life, all so he can go after the same girl? Just get a new one, man! They're all over and you're a crazy monster with super powers! I think this was the point where Full Moon started taking a downward turn, but I fully expect them to shoot a fifth installment someday, revamping the series for a new generation...

Eh, who am I kidding? The only people who will watch the fifth one will be Full Moon losers like myself who saw the originals at the time of release.

And, just because it exists, someone's Subspecies II music video with moody gothic bullshit from Moonspell, who, by the way, look like this:

The Gate-1987

I fucking LOVE this movie, killer moths, wolf-headed dream moms, satanic backward metal,stabbing eye-hands, clay-mation mini-demons, face melts, suburban rocket silos....amazing

Jon Carpenter's The Thing - 1982

So, I think there's a lesson to be learned about remakes with this movie. And that lesson is that your remake doesn't have to be shitty. Because this one is really, really awesome. It could have to do with the fact that it features Kurt Russell, Wilford Brimley and voiceover icon Keith David all in one movie. It might be the special effects and their reliance on animatronics and prostheses, as CGI was not an option in '82 and still doesn't carry the same punch. Most likely it's because it's Jon Carpenter and his keyboard-wielding soundtrack-makin' ways turning a concept he experienced as a child into a paranoid arctic tale of alien horror. But whatever the reason, it should be a study in the successful transformation of a classic into a new classic rather than a toss-away summer blockbuster or crapfest slasher.

Something Wicked This Way Comes - 1983

Before this was remade by Stephen King as Needful Things is was the most awesome thing Disney had ever released. It's fucking terrifying and should not be seen by children, and yet it was marketed toward children and I of course saw it at a very young age because, clearly, my parents were not a responsible lot. Jason Robards gets his hand split open by Jonathon Pryce at one point after discovering that the whole carnival is a crazy demonic force that 'comes from the dust and goes to the grave.' Fucking awesome.

I'm a little surprised this wasn't already on here...

Shocker - 1989

Serial killer turns into electricity and then stalks people. Directed by Wes Craven in his post-nightmare phase, when he wasn't all that great at making movies. This one is pretty great though.

Sherlock Holmes(Guy Ritchie)-2009

So there's gonna be 2 Sherlock Holmes movies this year incase you didn't know. This one is the "cool" one directed by Guy Ritchie and starring Robert Downy Jr. the other one is "funny" and stars Will Ferrel and Borat.

Every Other Day Is Halloween - 2009

New Trailer for "The Movie"


Hate to use the MySpace videos, but whatevs. Here's a trailer for a movie about the inimitable Count Gore de Vol, who most recently brought the horror host community online, making them still semi-relevant even though the whole concept has pretty much lost its awesome veneer.

Popcorn-1991

Popcorn-pop-pop-popcorn!

Motel Hell-1980

The Hand-1981

Did yr dad ever turn the T.V. on and leave you in the living room with no regards to what was actually on it while he smoked weed in the garage with yr pet dog for hours on end? Yes? No? Well mine did and this was one of the movies I ended up watching while all the other kids watched The Rescuers and The Great Mouse Detective...

The Return of Captain Nemo-1978

Believe it or not, there is a new Captain Nemo movie on the way. It prolly won't be as good or, er french as this one though....

$9.99- 2009

Still trying to figure out if this would still be interesting if it wasn't in stop motion....hmmmmmm

Gamer-2009

If you haven't seen Crank 2 yet then yr not allowed to look at this trailer. You MUST see Crank 2 to truly understand what to expect from the creators of Crank. If I hadn't seen Crank 2, I prolly wouldn't have posted this, but....just go see Crank 2

The Frog Prince-2009

I dunno why this movie feels a little racist, I can't put my finger on it.....

*BONUS DISNEY TEMPLATES REVEALED!*

MEGA SHARK VS GIANT OCTOPUS trailer-2009

This movie has the same plot as Freddy vs. Jason and seems to have been made on a G4 but whateves...flying giant sharks? Yes'em!

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

Final Destination: Death Trip

This isn't a trailer so much as a little teaser on set. But, since Final Destination 3 was fucking hilarious/amazing, and this one is being shot with some epically technological 3D cameras, I'm expecting that it'll be pretty good. Opens the same day as H2, so if you're of unsteady ethical aptitude, you can buy one ticket and see both movies. But which do you want to support more? The continued filmmaking of a mediocre director or a franchise that will surely wither and die under the weight of its concept as it sprawls ever further?

H2 - 2009

Rob Zombie just keeps plugging away at this movie business thing, and to, what we can probably all agree, are pretty sporadic results. I don't think I care for the stuff he's done so far (House of 1000 Corpses is awful, Devil's Rejects is pastiche and H1 was, well, a remake of an already awesome movie, so...) But this trailer looks pretty promising. It's already full of incredible violence and we get to go inside Michael Myer's head, perhaps, which is something we've never been able to do before. What horrible creepiness might lie therein? Let's find out already!

Unfortunately this movie took the spot on his to-do list of Tyrannosaurus Rex, but you can already see that in comic book form as The Nail, if you want.

Timecrimes-2008

Finally got my paws on this. It's about time! I mean, that I got to see it...and you know, it's also about time....

Cat Shit One-2009

Seen any cute, CGI, Iraqi anime war sagas lately?

Shorts-2009

In a better world these kids would wish that mommy and daddy didn't have to sell the house. Unfortunately in Black falls it's Motorcycles and "telephone-head-sets"

Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009) international trailer

Seems like another successful entry in the vamp-com-titties subgenre!

Wolverine (2009)

GUESS WHO HAS AN ADVANCE, PRE-POST-PRODUCTION DVD OF WOLVERINE? HAHAHA! IT'S FOOKIN' ME!

Terminator Salvation-2009

Seriously why hasn't this been posted yet? Megan Fox is the hottest trans-gender in Hollywood, caaaaaaall meeeeeee.....

9 - 2009

Originally a ten minute long short film, now fully adapted into a feature length adventure about tiny burlap men trekking across the wasteland of a decayed future Earth doing battle with robots. What's not to love?

Best Worst Movie - 2009 Festivals

A documentary about Troll 2, the mind-blowingly shitty sequel to a pretty bad movie called Troll, featuring a young Drew Barrymore. This will be at SXSW this year, as well as a handful of other festivals. And I'm guessing it'll be pretty good.

Knowing - 2009

Yet another masterpiece from the finest actor living today, Nicolas Cage. What's that? You disagree with me? Sir, your earnestness offends me and I demand satisfaction! Only one man can harbor the awesomely brass balls necessary to accept every single script that crosses his desk, no matter how ridiculous, stupid, remade or comic book related. Plus he named his child after Superman. Nic Cage will one day ascend to a heaven the likes of which most of us can only dream to take his place among the Great Spirits of Kitsch.

Cleavtastic Cleavage Fantasy VII - 2008

Okay, it's actually a movie called Bitch Slap starring Lucy Lawless and former Xena co-star Renee O'Connor. And, let's face it, it looks totally awesome. Apparently there's some diamond thievery leading to a showdown in the desert and people are dressed up as nuns as some point and the whole thing is a paeon to the exploitation films of yesteryear. What could possibly be better?

Desert Man Beast - 2009

Sometimes a trailer comes along and makes you say, 'Wow, that looks fucking awesome.' This, however, is a trailer that came along and made me say, 'Wow, what are those fucking flaps coming from that guy's loincloth?' Enjoy.

ManOwaR - Magic Circle Festival Volume II (2008)

Every ManOwaR live show is a trailer for the best barbarian biker bondage porn never made, YET.

Go to 1:12 for a special appearance by the London Men's Choir.

Special Needs - 2006

If Troma was a woman, I would heave myself atop her haggard, corpulent form and spread my line by spraying the inner lining of her cavernous vagina with my vicious seed. I don't care how ugly, ill tempered and unmannered, I would make to her the sweetest love known to man followed by an equitable open sore puke fest. And I would pull it all off with a smile on my face.

High Kick Girl - ????

Stop drilling, you've struck oil. Is there anything better than High Kick Girl? Sure, yeah, probably. But does its trailer rule this hard? No, probably not.

Xavier - Renegade Angel (2007)

What is this I don't even? From the makers of Wonder Showzen.

Louis Vuitton - Core Values or, 'where will life take you?' (2008)

This ad launched Louis Vuitton's new line of 3500 euro tackle boxes, inlaid with Moroccon red leather and gilt arabesques.

The Next Floor - (2008)

Ok, so all I could find was a trailer for this short film. Don't blame me, blame our fascistic copyright laws (more like copyFIGHT, am I right Cory Doctorow??? Just kidding. I fucking hate you.)

What you don't get to see in this trailer is the banquet of viscera the dinner party insatiably gorges itself on. Waiters continually load the table until the mounting pile of organs and flesh cause it to crash down to the next floor, and then the next, and the next, and well you get the point.

If there's a film festival near you, see if they're playing this; it's the best 11 minutes I spent in the dark all last year.