Neverending Story 3 - 1994

Well, there doesn't seem to be a trailer for this god-awful piece of shit, but there is a section of the Rock Biter (who has an accent somewhere between Brooklyn plumber and a Russian immigrant) and his son, Junior, the most annoying baby since the Dinosaur's Not The Mama spouting infant riding to the mountains while the adult Rock Biter sings Steppenwolf's Born to Be Wild. Seriously.



Yeah. Most of this movie doesn't even take place in Fantasia. Jack Black (yes, THAT Jack Black) is the leader of a gang called the Nasties who steal the Neverending Story book and somehow use their imaginations to cause everyone in Fantasia to start being nasty to each other. So Bastien is employed by the Empress to take the Orrin into the human world and get the book back. For some reason several characters from Fantasia (all of them Jar Jar Binks levels of annoying) are also transported and must be recollected from around the US before the Nasties can be stopped. It gets more convoluted when Bastien's new step sister steals the Orrin, uses it to shop - provoking a line of such absolute ridiculousness from the Empress, who is watching it all through what I assume is an interoceter that I almost pissed myself laughing - and loses it to the Nasties, who can now alter reality in the human realm of existence? What? Anyway, everything almost goes completely bad but in the end the fear of life in a broken home heals the world.

Seriously.

Come and See (1985)

Fuck 'Solaris,' this is the real Soviet riposte to '2001: A Space Odyssey.' Similar to Jerzy Kosinski's The Painted Bird, the movie tracks an innocent boy through the hellish wasteland of Nazi occupied U.S.S.R.(specifically Belarus). Unfolding like a droning feedback loop, the brutality slowly builds until reaching an apex of all-devouring cruelty. Perhaps the most realistic war movie ever made, not only for its grim portrayal of Nazi atrocities, but also for the heavily symbolic dream narrative that lies underneath. The most precise war stories often bear the least resemblance to reality as we know it.

Long Weekend - 2009

This is a serious movie about two people who pollute a beach and shoot stuff and are subsequently murdered by nature. It should be called the Happening part 2, but that movie sucked so hard any sequel would surely be lit on fire and shoved into Night's rectal cavity until he promised never to make another movie.

Hurt Locker - 2008

This sweet Italian flick about people disarming bombs, presumably in Iraq, looks pretty intense even though I'm pretty sure there's only an Italian release (hence the all-Italian dialogue and titles). Still about Americans though. USA!

YouTube Troubles - Now

I don't know what the YouTube deal is with videos stopping after only a few seconds. Maybe it's the entire awesome of SwampCox uploading their best material. Maybe it's the fact that I had sex with the wife of the owner. Maybe it's because DreDay, Starbreaker, Ghost Dog and I are, combined, too much for any single server to handle. In any case, long live SwampCox!

And also check out my other blog, massivejobfail.blogspot.com

Santo: Infraterrestre - 2001

Holy shit, 2001? I'm as surprised as you are that those effects were allowed to get past quality control in the new millenium. Still, it's a Santo film, sort of (Hijo del Santo), and that equals awesome.

Conduct Zero - 2002

This movie about going to high school and being a badass is kind of like what Stephen Chow would make if he were more like John Hughes, until the end when things get fucking main street. Then it gets cute again, though, so everything's cool.

Subspecies 4: Bloodstorm - 1998

From master of shit-schlock Ted Nicolau comes the fourth (and not yet the last) of the Subspecies films - a quintet of Full Moon vampire tales featuring the immortal Radu, Nosferatu-like creep who kills his brother and turns a sexy Full Moon nymphette into a vampiress who then attempts to kill him many times over. Everything revolves around some kind of Bloodstone, which keeps everyone happy. Ted Nicolau is also the beautiful mind behind Dungeonmaster, AKA Ragewar. Here's the cover, to aid in your horror:

Belly - 1998

You've got a movie written by Nas and directed by Hype Williams. Sorry, did I say movie? I meant idea for a music video extrapolated into a ninety minute narrative with hip hop and flashing lights. Get drunk before you watch this, otherwise it might not make any sense.

The Descent - 2005

I saw this movie again last night and it's still awesome. Some of you are thinking to yourselves right now: "But that movie was fucking stupid!" Well, you are fucking stupid, okay? Okay.

Taxidermia - 2006

I had no idea how much I liked Hungarian cinema before I saw this. If it's any indication of what the rest of the country's films are like, then Hungary is one kick-ass place. Unfortunately, this tale of sex, death, fire-cum and self-taxidermy is probably way too far off the radar of good people to use as a litmus for the country. Seriously, starving people could just watch this five times a day. There's no way you're eating afterward.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno - 2008

Could Kevin Smith come back from the depths of boredom and actually present something funny - and not in that 'fucking a donkey' kind of way? This movie actually looks pretty funny, despite the fact that it's being spearheaded by a catastrophically bad decision making director.

Urgh! A Music War - 1981

Perhaps the finest concert film ever made, this 1981 film is comprised of live footage gathered from various venues around the world and includes everything from Klaus Nomi and Gary Neuman to the Police, X Los Angeles and Dead Kennedys. It starts off with music and never strays, giving you act after awesome act (with the exception, of course, of the reggae, which all sucks no matter who it is). Above is an excerpt, as there's no trailer per se - but I think you'll find Toyah Willcox better than any trailer could possibly convey. Eat it up mother fuckers!

Back to School - 1986

Yes, Rodney Dangerfield. Yes Robert Downey Jr. Yes, Triple Lindy. Yes, this is one of the finest films made in the year 1986. Rodney Dangerfield goes back to school with his son to teach him a lesson, cheat on his English paper by hiring Kurt Vonnegut to write about himself and lay a professor while avoiding academic suspension, throwing massive parties and making fun of Robert Downey Jr's ultra lame nerd character. Oh, did I mention he pulls out the finishing sports finale by doing an impossible dive that requires three (yes, three!) diving boards? Because he does. Plus Oingo Boingo:

Last House On The Beach - 1978

Sexo y violencia en mass in this giallo film about several women who are raped and killed and then avenged by their nun. Totally cereal, a nun commits the most violent acts. Totes most.

Did I mention I'm still drunk? I am. From last night.

Rumpelstiltskin - 1955 & 1965

K. Gordon Murray Presents "RUMPELSTILTSKIN"


K Gordon Murray, keepin' it real. Originally produced in 1955, K Gordo Murrster from Murrville bought it and brought it to the US ten years later to terrify children across the land. Starring nobody you've ever heard of and directed by the very same. I feel like there's probably a link between opening this movie in your local cinema and sociopathic tendencies in your town.

Devil Dog - 1978

I caught this trailer and immediately went to Netflix to put it on my queue, discovered that it was one of the play-now movies and watched this thing while laughing hysterically. Simply put: This movie is totally awesome. It's a 1978 made-for-tv horror film about a group of satanists who buy a dog for breeding then summon a monster to father the puppies. One of these puppies grows up to become the titular Devil Dog, using his mind powers to seduce the children and the mother of a small suburban family into the dark embrace of Beelzebub. It's up to Richard Crenna to travel to Ecuador, where apparently a thousand years ago early Ecuadorian Christians fought off a similar beast using tattoos on their hands. No, I don't believe it's supposed to make sense. Anyway, the final battle between sweating Crenna and giant blue-screened monster-dog-with-horns is well worth sitting through the hour and thirty-five minutes of radical. For some reason, there's also this:



The movie is cursed! Bwa ha ha ha ha haaa!

The Explorers - 1985

No, it's not a trailer, unfortunately. It's a seven minute section of the actual film but is pretty accurate to what the rest of the movie is like. Directed by Joe 'Gremlins 2' Dante and intended apparently to ruin the minds of children, just like everything else Joe Dante directed. Featuring River Phoenix and Ethan Hawke in the roles that led to their eventual drug-related deaths (Ethan Hawke's is still coming up).

Santa Claus: The Movie - 1985

I vaguely recall this steaming pile of Dudley Moore-driven Cannon Films gold, but had no idea how badly my childhood must have been injured in watching this thing until I took a look at the trailer and felt my brain leak from my ears. Co-starring John Lithgow and directed by the same Frenchman who helmed Jaws 2 and Supergirl. I just can't say enough good things about children's films that deep end badly enough to inspire future sociopaths.

Little Red Riding Hood and the Monsters - 1962 {The Party Never Ends Post}

This fucking gem comes straight from the K Gordon Murray, the man who saved hundreds of films (mostly Mexican) from certain death at the hands of time and obscurity. If you've become familiar with the Santo or Blue Demon enmascarado films from the sixties and seventies, it was most likely thanks to this man. But I digress; on to the film at hand.

Originally titled 'Caperucita y Pulgarcito contra los monstruos,' this American version appears to be an insane trip down the psyche of an undead Mexican Walt Disney. It features Little Red Riding Hood, a character from a series of children's films, battling the Wicked Witch of Mexico, clearly modeled after the evil queen from Sleeping Beauty. Along with her pals - a skunk-man, the wolf and an ogre - they fight Dracula, Frankenstein's Monster, an ogre with hurricane breath and more. Fun for the whole family!