Black Dynamite-2009

This is about to be THE BEST MOVIE OF 2009! It has Captain Kangaroo in it! CAPTAIN KANGAROO!?

Coraline-2009

Neil Gaiman and the directer from Nightmare Before Christmas (Not TIM BURTON mind you)
equals awesome!

The Good, The Bad, & The Weird-2008

I love how Korea takes American genres of film and injects them with style serum.

The Unborn-2009

Runaway-1985

Dear serial killers, there still has yet to be a special unit within the police department that deals with rouge robots that kill humans. Jus sayin'. Have fun now before it's too late.

Christmas Cottage - 2009

All you need to know Thomas Kincaid is the following:

"In 2006 John Dandois, Media Arts Group executive, recounted a story that on one occasion ("about six years ago") Kinkade became drunk at a Siegfried and Roy magic show in Las Vegas and began shouting "Codpiece! Codpiece!" at the performers. Eventually he was calmed by his mother. Dandois also said of Kinkade, "Thom would be fine, he would be drinking, and then all of a sudden, you couldn't tell where the boundary was, and then he became very incoherent, and he would start cussing and doing a lot of weird stuff."

Bubba Ho-Tep (2002)

I'm usually suspicious of movies that are made with 'cult-status' in mind. Often they try too hard and produce too little. Bubba Ho-Tep is a rare exception for three reasons: 1) Bruce Campbell. 2) Ossie Davis. 3) The characters have souls.

Amazingly, the producers remembered that good writing is an excellent way to compensate for a lack of budget, something that most 'b' movies these days gleefully ignore. Although I believe it's actually adapted from a short story... so yeah, modern screenwriters still suck balls.

Neverending Story 3 - 1994

Well, there doesn't seem to be a trailer for this god-awful piece of shit, but there is a section of the Rock Biter (who has an accent somewhere between Brooklyn plumber and a Russian immigrant) and his son, Junior, the most annoying baby since the Dinosaur's Not The Mama spouting infant riding to the mountains while the adult Rock Biter sings Steppenwolf's Born to Be Wild. Seriously.



Yeah. Most of this movie doesn't even take place in Fantasia. Jack Black (yes, THAT Jack Black) is the leader of a gang called the Nasties who steal the Neverending Story book and somehow use their imaginations to cause everyone in Fantasia to start being nasty to each other. So Bastien is employed by the Empress to take the Orrin into the human world and get the book back. For some reason several characters from Fantasia (all of them Jar Jar Binks levels of annoying) are also transported and must be recollected from around the US before the Nasties can be stopped. It gets more convoluted when Bastien's new step sister steals the Orrin, uses it to shop - provoking a line of such absolute ridiculousness from the Empress, who is watching it all through what I assume is an interoceter that I almost pissed myself laughing - and loses it to the Nasties, who can now alter reality in the human realm of existence? What? Anyway, everything almost goes completely bad but in the end the fear of life in a broken home heals the world.

Seriously.

Come and See (1985)

Fuck 'Solaris,' this is the real Soviet riposte to '2001: A Space Odyssey.' Similar to Jerzy Kosinski's The Painted Bird, the movie tracks an innocent boy through the hellish wasteland of Nazi occupied U.S.S.R.(specifically Belarus). Unfolding like a droning feedback loop, the brutality slowly builds until reaching an apex of all-devouring cruelty. Perhaps the most realistic war movie ever made, not only for its grim portrayal of Nazi atrocities, but also for the heavily symbolic dream narrative that lies underneath. The most precise war stories often bear the least resemblance to reality as we know it.

Long Weekend - 2009

This is a serious movie about two people who pollute a beach and shoot stuff and are subsequently murdered by nature. It should be called the Happening part 2, but that movie sucked so hard any sequel would surely be lit on fire and shoved into Night's rectal cavity until he promised never to make another movie.

Hurt Locker - 2008

This sweet Italian flick about people disarming bombs, presumably in Iraq, looks pretty intense even though I'm pretty sure there's only an Italian release (hence the all-Italian dialogue and titles). Still about Americans though. USA!

YouTube Troubles - Now

I don't know what the YouTube deal is with videos stopping after only a few seconds. Maybe it's the entire awesome of SwampCox uploading their best material. Maybe it's the fact that I had sex with the wife of the owner. Maybe it's because DreDay, Starbreaker, Ghost Dog and I are, combined, too much for any single server to handle. In any case, long live SwampCox!

And also check out my other blog, massivejobfail.blogspot.com

Santo: Infraterrestre - 2001

Holy shit, 2001? I'm as surprised as you are that those effects were allowed to get past quality control in the new millenium. Still, it's a Santo film, sort of (Hijo del Santo), and that equals awesome.

Conduct Zero - 2002

This movie about going to high school and being a badass is kind of like what Stephen Chow would make if he were more like John Hughes, until the end when things get fucking main street. Then it gets cute again, though, so everything's cool.

Subspecies 4: Bloodstorm - 1998

From master of shit-schlock Ted Nicolau comes the fourth (and not yet the last) of the Subspecies films - a quintet of Full Moon vampire tales featuring the immortal Radu, Nosferatu-like creep who kills his brother and turns a sexy Full Moon nymphette into a vampiress who then attempts to kill him many times over. Everything revolves around some kind of Bloodstone, which keeps everyone happy. Ted Nicolau is also the beautiful mind behind Dungeonmaster, AKA Ragewar. Here's the cover, to aid in your horror:

Belly - 1998

You've got a movie written by Nas and directed by Hype Williams. Sorry, did I say movie? I meant idea for a music video extrapolated into a ninety minute narrative with hip hop and flashing lights. Get drunk before you watch this, otherwise it might not make any sense.

The Descent - 2005

I saw this movie again last night and it's still awesome. Some of you are thinking to yourselves right now: "But that movie was fucking stupid!" Well, you are fucking stupid, okay? Okay.

Taxidermia - 2006

I had no idea how much I liked Hungarian cinema before I saw this. If it's any indication of what the rest of the country's films are like, then Hungary is one kick-ass place. Unfortunately, this tale of sex, death, fire-cum and self-taxidermy is probably way too far off the radar of good people to use as a litmus for the country. Seriously, starving people could just watch this five times a day. There's no way you're eating afterward.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno - 2008

Could Kevin Smith come back from the depths of boredom and actually present something funny - and not in that 'fucking a donkey' kind of way? This movie actually looks pretty funny, despite the fact that it's being spearheaded by a catastrophically bad decision making director.

Urgh! A Music War - 1981

Perhaps the finest concert film ever made, this 1981 film is comprised of live footage gathered from various venues around the world and includes everything from Klaus Nomi and Gary Neuman to the Police, X Los Angeles and Dead Kennedys. It starts off with music and never strays, giving you act after awesome act (with the exception, of course, of the reggae, which all sucks no matter who it is). Above is an excerpt, as there's no trailer per se - but I think you'll find Toyah Willcox better than any trailer could possibly convey. Eat it up mother fuckers!