Moped to South America - 2008 {Triumphant Return Post}

What's cooler than mopeds? Nothing, that's what. You probably already know that. What you don't know is that you can totally ride one from San Fransisco to South America if you're totally awesome. This is the documentary that proves it.

Klaus and his Forklift (German workplace-safety video)

There's no buckets-of-gore like Teutonic buckets-of-gore! Skip to the 7 minute mark if you're the impatient type.

Frontier(s)-2007(UK) 2008(US)

As the banlieues of Paris burn due to riots protesting the election triumph of an extreme right-wing party, a group of youths use the chaos as cover for smash-and-grab robberies. For Yasmina (Karina Testa), the money is an escape from the slums she has known all her life. With the police on their tail, her gang splits up, planning to meet at an inn near the Luxembourg border. Arriving at their destination, they encounter their hosts, the Von Geisler clan, who seem to be stuck in time: a jackbooted patriarch, his savagely flirtatious daughters and his thuggish sons. Revealing themselves as neo-Nazi fanatics, they see Yasmina as a fresh bloodline for their fascistic fantasy of starting a new Aryan brotherhood. Her friends find themselves trapped in a grim abattoir as Yasmina fights against the Von Geisler's invitation to become 'one of the family' in their twisted Gothic household.

Fight Club 2-2008

You read right kids. After blowing up a handful of buildings in the end of the first Fight Club our boy Tyler is on the run and living a miserable lonely life as a split personality schizophrenic. Fight Club 3 was shot at the same time and is slated to come out sometime in 2009. Rumor has it that Fight Club 2 will end with some sort of cliffhanger that's sure to keep us on the edge of our seats until the third and final chapter in the series is released next year. OMG!

A Nightmare on Elm St. 6: Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare-1991

Also known as: "Remember me? I'm that guy that your parents burned alive for molesting children and now I'm back from the dead with jokes and jokes and jokes!"

Primer - 2004

Sweet Hard SF movie about time travel explored through experiment by two dudes in a garage. Awesome.

Schrodinger's Girl - 2008

If you've seen the trailer, then you know as much as I do. Indie Sci Fi British possible apocalypse regarding altered wave-forms and, presumably, electron values. Could this be hard SF? Maybe. Hard to tell from the trailer, but there's so little hard SF in film that it's worthwhile to check it out when it pops up. Cheers.

The Spirit-2009 (Teaser)

It seems a lot of people are hatin' on this one minute of footage from Frank Miller's adaptation of Will Eisner's comic. Granted, it does look exactly like Sin City... but how can you tell if a movie's gonna be good or bad based on a guy running across rooftops for 60 sec.?

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Wild Zero-2000

The best godamn motherfucking rock and roll japanese zombie movie ever made! EVER!

*BONUS*
---All THROUGH THE NIGHT BUTTOBASE! MUSIC VIDEO----------

Zombie Strippers-2008

So, somebody finally decided to do a remake of From Dusk Till Dawn. I was beginning to worry that no one in heaven had heard my prayers...

My Name is Bruce-2008

The man, the legend, the chin...

Hercules 2 The Adventures of Hercules-1985

This movie came out on DVD 3 years ago. I highly suggest you watch it back to back with Clash of the Titans while jerking off and listening to Daft Punk. Your senses will be heightened beyond all things living and dead.

Mannequin-1987

All my boyhood fantasies involved me making out with a mannequin while all the other boys were dreaming of hot blondes in bikinis...*sigh*

The Guardian - 1990

Could it be? William Friedkin's finest movie (better than the Exorcist even)? Yes, yes it is. This movie has everything; Druids, babies, tree fucking, man fucking, mystery wolves... Everything. Except zombies or vampires or anything really more supernatural than Druids. But it rules, I swear it does.

Kung Fu Kid-2008

Just one step closer the future envisioned in Clockwork Orange. I've considered buying a shotgun in my older years; incase any young havocs decide to " Kung Fu" their way into my studio and try to rob me. I'll be waiting brats.

Blindness-2008

From the director of City of God and Constant Gardener. Apparently the book by Jose Saramago is amazing and so is the sequel...Seeing.

Tokyo Gore Police-2008

I'm back! Let's see.....where shall I begin? How about we take a little trip to Tokyo? This is 4 mins. of footage from the documentary Tokyo Gore Police. All this is going on in Tokyo right now...no shit.

Pete's Dragon - 1977

This is the story of a late-stage schizophrenic and his autistic dragon friend. Yes, I fucking loved this as a child. I still do. It's empirical evidence that Disney movies were once both well-done and on the side of actual children.

Carts of Darkness - 2007

Dude. It's a documentary about a guy who rolls down hills with a shopping cart, and every main character is incapacitated by injury, jail or death. This might be the ballsiest doc of all time.

The Return of the King (1980)

Behold! The conclusion of J.R.R. Tolkien's immortal masterpiece, THE LORD OF THE RINGS. Witness the gleaming brand of Andruil proudly lofted by Aragorn, son of Arathorn, the Elessar and heir of Isildur final king of Gondor! Behold Gandalf Stormcrow, Mithrandir to elves, Tharkin to Dwarves, the ring Narya upon his finger, last of the Maiar of Valinor on Middle-Earth! The wonders are endless...



LOLOLOL it's a trap! That was the first 9:10 of the Rankin/Bass 'adaption'. If you thought Peter Jackson butchered the books, just listen to Glenn Yarborough's hilarious minstrel show. Bilbo looks like my Great Aunt, and someone swapped out Elrond with an Amish peacock. Leave it to the 1970's to suck the nobility out of even the most glorious tale.

Comparison time. Eowyn's epic showdown with the Witch-King of Angmar in all three versions.

Rankin/Bass:



PROS: Tolkien's excellent dialogue is reproduced in full

CONS: Casey Kasem with a vocoder as the Witch-King's voice.
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Peter Jackson:



PROS: The Witch-King's righteous morning star. Eowyn is pretty hot.

CONS: Eowyn's girlish scream
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J.R.R. Tolkien:

"Still she did not blench: maiden of the Rohirrim, child of kings, slender but as a steel-blade, fair yet terrible. A swift stroke she dealt, skilled and deadly. The outstretched neck she clove asunder, and the hewn head fell like a stone. Backward she sprang as the huge shape crashed to ruin, vast wings outspread, crumpled on the earth; and with its fall the shadow passed away. A light fell about her, and her hair shone in the sunrise.

Out of the wreck rose the Black Rider, tall and threatening, towering above her. With a cry of hatred that stung the very ears like venom he let fall his mace. Her shield was shivered in many pieces, and her arm was broken; she stumbled to her knees. he bent over her like a cloud, and his eyes glittered; he raised his mace to kill.

But suddenly he too stumbled forward with a cry of bitter pain, and his stroke went wide, driving into the ground. Merry's sword had stabbed him from behind, shearing through the black mantle, and passing up beneath the hauberk had pierced the sinew behind his mighty knee.

'Eowyn! Eowyn!' cried Merry. Then tottering, struggling up, with her last strength she drove her sword between crown and mantle, as the great shoulders bowed before her. The sword broke sparkling into many shards. The crown rolled away with a clang. Eowyn fell forward upon her fallen foe. But lo! the mantle and hauberk were empty. Shapeless they lay now on the ground, torn and tumbled; and a cry went up into the shuddering air, and faded to a shrill wailing, passing with the wind, a voice bodiless and thin that died, and was swallowed up, and was never heard again in that age of this world.

PROS: everything

CONS: nothing

WINNER: The original book, go read it you lazy teenagers!