Linnea Quigley's Horror Workout - 1990

Linnea Quigley is best known as one of history's finest B movie scream queens, most famously as the strip-teasing Trash in Return of the Living Dead. But that's not all she does. She's also qualified to teach you how to keep yourself in shape! The above clip is from her 1990 workout video, which presumably can only be found in the VHS bin at your local thrift store, which is a real shame, because I bet if this thing can be found in its entirety it's totally awesome.

A few titles from Quigley's nearly 100 roles:

Don't Go Near The Park
Silent Night Deadly Night
Nudes in Limbo
Treasure of the Moon Goddess
Sorority Babes at the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama
Beach Babes From Beyond
Assault of the Party Nerds 2: The Heavy Petting Detective (With Rhonda Shear and Burt Ward!)

In The Bedroom - 2001

I caught the second half of this movie in the background while playing a bad online game where you blow up space pirates. At first I thought it might be some third installment of the On Golden Pond franchise, but soon discovered that it's actually a tightly wound thriller about wrongful death and revenge in a small town, which is pretty cool. And the last ten minutes are pretty creep-tastic, in a silent meditate-on-your-horrific-act kind of way. All I could find was this French trailer, but only the title slates are actually foreign.

Doubt - 2008

Okay, okay, it opens with Meryl Streep dressed as an angry nun. But this thing spirals so quickly out of control that it's impossible not to want to see either a hilarious wreck or a really amazing film. Most likely the latter, but the dutch angle, little jokes and cello-heavy Howard Shore score make the first totally possible. Anyway, I'll be seeing it.

Merry Christmas You Fuckbag! - 2008 {Rare Exports Short Film, Untitled}

This is my present to all of you. The title of this movie is not really Merry Christmas You Fuckbag, but I wish it was. And, as it was untitled, I've decided that's what I will call it. I'm not really sure what Rare Exports does, but I'll be finding out shortly. Oh, and for those familiar with the caveman vampire hunter painting from the Late Night Lounge 2008? I changed my mind. I think they were these guys.

Jingle all the Way (1997) Special Yuletide cheer post #1.

I've never seen this movie, but I'll wager it's very enjoyable if you focus entirely on the mercenary lust for power burning like a thousand flaming spires in Arnold's eyes.

Here's a campaign commercial for his Governor campaign. The same look is there, now smoldering between the two reptilian slits of his eyelids.

Let's Take California Back (2003)


Finally, the real Arnold, the man we fell in love with during our idyllic ultraviolence-saturated childhoods.

Arnold in Brazil (1979 or something)


The power hungry lust is already present in young Arnold, it's just, well, more lusty.

Sorcerer - 1977

Forget the fact that this movie probably rules and that you've never heard of it despite the fact that it features Roy Scheider and was directed by William Friedkin. Forget that this trailer means there's an entire narrative version floating out in the world somewhere. Forget the killer seventies trailer throaty dub voice, and just bask in the truly brilliant construction of this thing. A series of completely unconnected images, most featuring guns or explosions, underneath a soundtrack that can only be the synth baby of John Carpenter and Goblin, while providing absolutely no information about the plot of the film at all. I could probably watch this shit all day. Now THAT's how you make a fucking trailer!

PS: Apparently it's also a remake of Clouzot's Wages of Fear.

Freakdog AKA Red Mist - 2007

And now for something completely awesome. This asshole gets too drunk, passes out and ends up in a coma, then decides to murder all the people that didn't help using metempsychosis? Yes, I will watch that movie. Probably twice.

Jack Frost - 1996

Sometimes you see something that makes you question the direction society has traveled. But sometimes those same things make you ask the question, 'What the fuck haven't I seen this movie?!' This trailer will elicit both. So go rent this movie, put some chestnuts on your open fire, maybe listen to side A of your Merry Crassmas 7 inch and prepare to have your mind blown.

Maelstrom - Another Time, Another World

Who be these scurvy dogs, you ask? Well, I'll tell you. They're not actors. Not in the traditional sense, anyway. These are LARPers - Live Action Role Players, for those who've never ventured far enough into the kingdom of RPGs to know that already - engaged in a brutal telling of a story that probably began at a tabletop somewhere, with many dice and smudged pencils detailing character abilities. At some point, they decided to take it to the next level, running about in costume on an elaborate set, fighting with fake swords and pistols and casting spells that might later be rotoscoped into reality. And now? Now there's this.

"The Follow" Short film by WKW (2001)

I think it's a pretty good short considering it's pretty much a long commercial for BMW.

Black Dynamite-2009

This is about to be THE BEST MOVIE OF 2009! It has Captain Kangaroo in it! CAPTAIN KANGAROO!?

Coraline-2009

Neil Gaiman and the directer from Nightmare Before Christmas (Not TIM BURTON mind you)
equals awesome!

The Good, The Bad, & The Weird-2008

I love how Korea takes American genres of film and injects them with style serum.

The Unborn-2009

Runaway-1985

Dear serial killers, there still has yet to be a special unit within the police department that deals with rouge robots that kill humans. Jus sayin'. Have fun now before it's too late.

Christmas Cottage - 2009

All you need to know Thomas Kincaid is the following:

"In 2006 John Dandois, Media Arts Group executive, recounted a story that on one occasion ("about six years ago") Kinkade became drunk at a Siegfried and Roy magic show in Las Vegas and began shouting "Codpiece! Codpiece!" at the performers. Eventually he was calmed by his mother. Dandois also said of Kinkade, "Thom would be fine, he would be drinking, and then all of a sudden, you couldn't tell where the boundary was, and then he became very incoherent, and he would start cussing and doing a lot of weird stuff."

Bubba Ho-Tep (2002)

I'm usually suspicious of movies that are made with 'cult-status' in mind. Often they try too hard and produce too little. Bubba Ho-Tep is a rare exception for three reasons: 1) Bruce Campbell. 2) Ossie Davis. 3) The characters have souls.

Amazingly, the producers remembered that good writing is an excellent way to compensate for a lack of budget, something that most 'b' movies these days gleefully ignore. Although I believe it's actually adapted from a short story... so yeah, modern screenwriters still suck balls.

Neverending Story 3 - 1994

Well, there doesn't seem to be a trailer for this god-awful piece of shit, but there is a section of the Rock Biter (who has an accent somewhere between Brooklyn plumber and a Russian immigrant) and his son, Junior, the most annoying baby since the Dinosaur's Not The Mama spouting infant riding to the mountains while the adult Rock Biter sings Steppenwolf's Born to Be Wild. Seriously.



Yeah. Most of this movie doesn't even take place in Fantasia. Jack Black (yes, THAT Jack Black) is the leader of a gang called the Nasties who steal the Neverending Story book and somehow use their imaginations to cause everyone in Fantasia to start being nasty to each other. So Bastien is employed by the Empress to take the Orrin into the human world and get the book back. For some reason several characters from Fantasia (all of them Jar Jar Binks levels of annoying) are also transported and must be recollected from around the US before the Nasties can be stopped. It gets more convoluted when Bastien's new step sister steals the Orrin, uses it to shop - provoking a line of such absolute ridiculousness from the Empress, who is watching it all through what I assume is an interoceter that I almost pissed myself laughing - and loses it to the Nasties, who can now alter reality in the human realm of existence? What? Anyway, everything almost goes completely bad but in the end the fear of life in a broken home heals the world.

Seriously.

Come and See (1985)

Fuck 'Solaris,' this is the real Soviet riposte to '2001: A Space Odyssey.' Similar to Jerzy Kosinski's The Painted Bird, the movie tracks an innocent boy through the hellish wasteland of Nazi occupied U.S.S.R.(specifically Belarus). Unfolding like a droning feedback loop, the brutality slowly builds until reaching an apex of all-devouring cruelty. Perhaps the most realistic war movie ever made, not only for its grim portrayal of Nazi atrocities, but also for the heavily symbolic dream narrative that lies underneath. The most precise war stories often bear the least resemblance to reality as we know it.

Long Weekend - 2009

This is a serious movie about two people who pollute a beach and shoot stuff and are subsequently murdered by nature. It should be called the Happening part 2, but that movie sucked so hard any sequel would surely be lit on fire and shoved into Night's rectal cavity until he promised never to make another movie.