Terminator Salvation-2009

Seriously why hasn't this been posted yet? Megan Fox is the hottest trans-gender in Hollywood, caaaaaaall meeeeeee.....

9 - 2009

Originally a ten minute long short film, now fully adapted into a feature length adventure about tiny burlap men trekking across the wasteland of a decayed future Earth doing battle with robots. What's not to love?

Best Worst Movie - 2009 Festivals

A documentary about Troll 2, the mind-blowingly shitty sequel to a pretty bad movie called Troll, featuring a young Drew Barrymore. This will be at SXSW this year, as well as a handful of other festivals. And I'm guessing it'll be pretty good.

Knowing - 2009

Yet another masterpiece from the finest actor living today, Nicolas Cage. What's that? You disagree with me? Sir, your earnestness offends me and I demand satisfaction! Only one man can harbor the awesomely brass balls necessary to accept every single script that crosses his desk, no matter how ridiculous, stupid, remade or comic book related. Plus he named his child after Superman. Nic Cage will one day ascend to a heaven the likes of which most of us can only dream to take his place among the Great Spirits of Kitsch.

Cleavtastic Cleavage Fantasy VII - 2008

Okay, it's actually a movie called Bitch Slap starring Lucy Lawless and former Xena co-star Renee O'Connor. And, let's face it, it looks totally awesome. Apparently there's some diamond thievery leading to a showdown in the desert and people are dressed up as nuns as some point and the whole thing is a paeon to the exploitation films of yesteryear. What could possibly be better?

Desert Man Beast - 2009

Sometimes a trailer comes along and makes you say, 'Wow, that looks fucking awesome.' This, however, is a trailer that came along and made me say, 'Wow, what are those fucking flaps coming from that guy's loincloth?' Enjoy.

ManOwaR - Magic Circle Festival Volume II (2008)

Every ManOwaR live show is a trailer for the best barbarian biker bondage porn never made, YET.

Go to 1:12 for a special appearance by the London Men's Choir.

Special Needs - 2006

If Troma was a woman, I would heave myself atop her haggard, corpulent form and spread my line by spraying the inner lining of her cavernous vagina with my vicious seed. I don't care how ugly, ill tempered and unmannered, I would make to her the sweetest love known to man followed by an equitable open sore puke fest. And I would pull it all off with a smile on my face.

High Kick Girl - ????

Stop drilling, you've struck oil. Is there anything better than High Kick Girl? Sure, yeah, probably. But does its trailer rule this hard? No, probably not.

Xavier - Renegade Angel (2007)

What is this I don't even? From the makers of Wonder Showzen.

Louis Vuitton - Core Values or, 'where will life take you?' (2008)

This ad launched Louis Vuitton's new line of 3500 euro tackle boxes, inlaid with Moroccon red leather and gilt arabesques.

The Next Floor - (2008)

Ok, so all I could find was a trailer for this short film. Don't blame me, blame our fascistic copyright laws (more like copyFIGHT, am I right Cory Doctorow??? Just kidding. I fucking hate you.)

What you don't get to see in this trailer is the banquet of viscera the dinner party insatiably gorges itself on. Waiters continually load the table until the mounting pile of organs and flesh cause it to crash down to the next floor, and then the next, and the next, and well you get the point.

If there's a film festival near you, see if they're playing this; it's the best 11 minutes I spent in the dark all last year.

Linnea Quigley's Horror Workout - 1990

Linnea Quigley is best known as one of history's finest B movie scream queens, most famously as the strip-teasing Trash in Return of the Living Dead. But that's not all she does. She's also qualified to teach you how to keep yourself in shape! The above clip is from her 1990 workout video, which presumably can only be found in the VHS bin at your local thrift store, which is a real shame, because I bet if this thing can be found in its entirety it's totally awesome.

A few titles from Quigley's nearly 100 roles:

Don't Go Near The Park
Silent Night Deadly Night
Nudes in Limbo
Treasure of the Moon Goddess
Sorority Babes at the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama
Beach Babes From Beyond
Assault of the Party Nerds 2: The Heavy Petting Detective (With Rhonda Shear and Burt Ward!)

In The Bedroom - 2001

I caught the second half of this movie in the background while playing a bad online game where you blow up space pirates. At first I thought it might be some third installment of the On Golden Pond franchise, but soon discovered that it's actually a tightly wound thriller about wrongful death and revenge in a small town, which is pretty cool. And the last ten minutes are pretty creep-tastic, in a silent meditate-on-your-horrific-act kind of way. All I could find was this French trailer, but only the title slates are actually foreign.

Doubt - 2008

Okay, okay, it opens with Meryl Streep dressed as an angry nun. But this thing spirals so quickly out of control that it's impossible not to want to see either a hilarious wreck or a really amazing film. Most likely the latter, but the dutch angle, little jokes and cello-heavy Howard Shore score make the first totally possible. Anyway, I'll be seeing it.

Merry Christmas You Fuckbag! - 2008 {Rare Exports Short Film, Untitled}

This is my present to all of you. The title of this movie is not really Merry Christmas You Fuckbag, but I wish it was. And, as it was untitled, I've decided that's what I will call it. I'm not really sure what Rare Exports does, but I'll be finding out shortly. Oh, and for those familiar with the caveman vampire hunter painting from the Late Night Lounge 2008? I changed my mind. I think they were these guys.

Jingle all the Way (1997) Special Yuletide cheer post #1.

I've never seen this movie, but I'll wager it's very enjoyable if you focus entirely on the mercenary lust for power burning like a thousand flaming spires in Arnold's eyes.

Here's a campaign commercial for his Governor campaign. The same look is there, now smoldering between the two reptilian slits of his eyelids.

Let's Take California Back (2003)


Finally, the real Arnold, the man we fell in love with during our idyllic ultraviolence-saturated childhoods.

Arnold in Brazil (1979 or something)


The power hungry lust is already present in young Arnold, it's just, well, more lusty.

Sorcerer - 1977

Forget the fact that this movie probably rules and that you've never heard of it despite the fact that it features Roy Scheider and was directed by William Friedkin. Forget that this trailer means there's an entire narrative version floating out in the world somewhere. Forget the killer seventies trailer throaty dub voice, and just bask in the truly brilliant construction of this thing. A series of completely unconnected images, most featuring guns or explosions, underneath a soundtrack that can only be the synth baby of John Carpenter and Goblin, while providing absolutely no information about the plot of the film at all. I could probably watch this shit all day. Now THAT's how you make a fucking trailer!

PS: Apparently it's also a remake of Clouzot's Wages of Fear.

Freakdog AKA Red Mist - 2007

And now for something completely awesome. This asshole gets too drunk, passes out and ends up in a coma, then decides to murder all the people that didn't help using metempsychosis? Yes, I will watch that movie. Probably twice.

Jack Frost - 1996

Sometimes you see something that makes you question the direction society has traveled. But sometimes those same things make you ask the question, 'What the fuck haven't I seen this movie?!' This trailer will elicit both. So go rent this movie, put some chestnuts on your open fire, maybe listen to side A of your Merry Crassmas 7 inch and prepare to have your mind blown.